Sunday December 19, 1976

4th in Advent. Devour a fried breakfast and then go to Thornton-le-Dale. Believe it or not I have no hangover and feel fit, vital and active. Poor Lynne is very different indeed. Three anadins later and she's still pale and tired.

I remember few of the Lazenby party details but Lynne tells me that at one stage of the evening a dwarf had my flies down in an attempt to perform a sex act upon my person - much to the amusement of the other guests. The lad didn't have to kneel down evidently. For Christ sake, I've heard it all now! Nice to know I brought a bit of joy into the miserable existence of one of our shorter beings.

Life at Thornton-le-Dale is much the same as it's always been and I cannot be bothered to comment further. Went to Pickering for a drink with Pete M and Chris and discuss the holiday [I left Lynne at home]. Pete said _______.Would I want to go on holiday with somebody who isn't perfect fun?




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Saturday December 18, 1976

Lynne and I go into Leeds at 12.30 so that I could buy her the long awaited dress I was supposed to be purchasing for Christmas. When I say we looked at forty eight million dresses I am not exaggerating. Why do men have to put up with it? By 5.30 I have a thumping headache and no patience. No suitable dresses are to be found, and so I go to Denton's and put down a £6 deposit on a garnet single stone ring. Will pay the remaining £10 next week. Lynne bought me a gold chain and a bottle of 'Eau Savage' after-shave. Buy the remaining Christmas presents and feel very relieved on the way home. In fact, the journey out of Leeds was one which can only be compared to the release of some aged criminal after spending 47 years in penal servitude. No doubt Rudolf Hess will experience that sensation one day - if he's lucky.

Back home for tea. Mum and Dad go to Jim and Molly's 30th wedding anniversary party at Acacia House. Lynne and I go down to the Hare. Speak to Judith who is working in the bar. She even bought us a drink. She is becoming fanciable indeed.

To Pete [Lazenby's] at 11 o'clock with a bottle of white wine [£2.20]. A great evening. Tony, Mandy, John Cameron and Jill come. Stand in the kitchen until 3am. Denise arrived _______. I didn't see the sordid 'do' but had a report from Jill._____. Stephanie Ferguson mistakes me for 'John Rhodes', the twin brother of 'the drip who works at the YP'. They laugh when I say Michael is my 'twindentical' brother. Don't see all that much of Peter and the evening seems to be over very quickly really. Back home to catch Mum helping a drunken Papa into the house. Bed after 4am.

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Friday December 17, 1976

See in the Daily Mail that the Prince of Wales and Davina Sheffield are attending the wedding of Richard Beckett and Elizabeth Waterhouse in Derbyshire today. It's the first we've heard of Miss S for quite some time now, but I can't help thinking that she and the heir apparent will one day 'tie the knot'. Will report on developments later.

To the Hare & Hounds with Susan and Peter at 8.30. Carole is in with Naomi again. [They were in yesterday]. I have the feeling that Carole is gloating about something. I'm willing to bet you a million quid that ____ has told her of my recent revision of my feelings, &c. 

Tony, Mandy, Martyn, Stuart, Kathryn, Chris, Pete M, and Denise all flock in. Lynne is far from pleased and goes on about being ignored by Carole & Denise. What does she expect? ________. 

We decide to go to Oakwood Hall. Tony, Mandy, Lynne and I go to the Vineyard in Ilkley until after 11. I purchased the wine [£2.20]. From here we go to Martyn's where I change into one of his suits - like a male Cinderella really. Borrow £5 from Lynne too! God, have I taken leave of my senses? All at Oakwood Hall. Speak to Carole, not in the presence of Lynne of course, and she questions me on the whereabouts of my crucifix and asks why I've taken to wearing my ring on my left hand. Mundane, but a massive improvement on previous meetings. ___must have said something to bring Carole back on the scene.

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Thursday December 16, 1976

Snow and shit. Mum had her Christmas dinner at her work today and so when, at 6.30pm, she hadn't arrived home to make the tea I began frying sausages and boiling baked beans. Maria rings to say she is holding Mama hostage at a secret address and she will only be released if I pay up £6m in cash. The only thing I can think of is the IMF. Will they provide the necessary cash to free the old lady?

Lynne comes up at 7 o'clock and after sampling my cooking we go down to the Hare & Hounds. We meet Jean [Holmes] and that dumb friend of hers along with a couple of young police constables. They leave at 9.45. I do like Jean, a sweet almost desirable being.

Oh God! I've made an error. An error indeed. Lynne and I having passed a pleasant evening at the pub, which went without a hitch. Miss Phillips was in with Miss [Naomi] Downing and Lynne was a bit peeved that Carole completely ignored her. But to get back to my nasty error. You know I don't embarrass easily, don't you? Yes, well I'm embarrassed, red in the face and shitting myself at the story I'm about to relate. On the way home from this pleasant evening I accidentally referred to Miss Mather as "Carole". I was horror-struck. Lynne said: "For Christ sake, she's been on your mind all night," and I replied "yes, I'm aware of that". Haunted - and for what reason? Bed at 11 with this embarrassing thing on my mind. SHIT!

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Wednesday December 15, 1976

It's 11.45pm and I'm sat here on the end of my bed watching blood ooze out of my right big toenail. Oh God I'm going to be a cripple by Christmas! However, discussing my personal injuries isn't going to get me into print and so I'll move on to more spectacular, seasonal events:

Mrs Johnson received the news of Mr Brotherwood's intended attendance next Wednesday with mixed emotions. At first she said she wouldn't be worried by his presence and in the next breath she said it may be a traumatic meeting. By 4.30 she was saying it wouldn't hurt if he did join us but her expression was far from ecstatic. I shall have to tell Tony it might be wiser if he boycotted the gathering.

Sarah and Eileen said today that Mrs J is beginning to take a fancy to me after all these years. I've always said that Carol must think I'm queer or something because every other male employee of the YP - possibly with the exception of me and the Hon Chris Monckton- have been seduced by Mrs Johnson. Am I now moving close to becoming a conquest?

The business of next Wednesday is worrying but I should ignore it and let them fight it out amongst themselves.

Saw June on the 33 bus again. She is great and I must still be greatly intrigued by her because for the first time in months I didn't fall to sleep on the journey and my eyes were rivetted to her throughout.

Just Susan, Peter and myself in until Papa and Mama come back from John & Maria's at 10 o'clock. See 'Carry On Loving' - rude, corny and poor but I laugh all the same. Up to bed after seeing a declining Earl Mountbatten of Burma present Danny La Rue with the BBC Sportsman of the Year Award. The 76 year-old Earl told a story of how a polo pony he was riding [in India in 1922] had a polo ball lodged up its anus. It went down very well.

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Tuesday December 14, 1976

King George VI is celebrating quietly somewhere today - his 81st birthday. Prince Albert died 115 years ago, and Coun Norman Anthony Gadsby was born this day in 1935 ...

Write letters tonight to Helen Malin in Gloucester and send cards to Glenn and Dave G telling them of Peter's change of heart. I knew all along that Mr Mather wouldn't let the summer of next year go by without seeing Ibiza and all those women.

Tony rings and we arrange to go to the Hare with Stuart at 8.15. I then contact Martyn and he says he's going with his girlfriend Carla to a new wine bar in Ilkley so I don't think we'll see him tonight. Later: Tony comes at 8.15 and we go to a Christmas-decorated Hare & Hounds and meet Stuart Walker, Esq, and Susan and Peter. After a couple of drinks we join Martyn and his lady at Ilkley and we polish off two bottles of wine before going on to the Rose & Crown. Quite a liquid evening. All back to W.H. Smith's for a coffee and Tony discovers he has a flat tyre which takes us through until 12.15am. Home in a fog and we discuss Thursday night. Hit the sack at 1.05am.

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Monday December 13, 1976

Nothing much to say today. I am always lazy at Yuletide. Couldn't even be bothered to contemplate the TV tonight and for a large part of the evening I sat glaring at my in-growing toe-nail. Why? Well, if you had paid £18 for a pair of shoes would you expect to get a deformed foot in return? I certainly didn't expect it, pal.

Lynne came up at 8.30 and we had a drink at the Commercial before she pissed off to Roundhay. We discussed the Yuletide arrangements. Seeing her on Christmas Eve and then there's a gap until Dec 28 when we go to John & Maria's. I've got Wednesday to spend with her and after that it's New Year's Eve. Why do we bother going out at all? I sometimes wonder. Of course I'd loathe it even more if she lived on my doorstep so what am I moaning about? I'm just a misery guts when it all boils down to it. Bed at 11.30pm. Goodnight.

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