Saturday November 19, 1983

 5, Club Street, Lidget Green

Tony.

The Bakers were here at 9:30 to collect Mum's wood. The girls looked tatty and pink. They went off with the girls waving frantically in the back. We drove to Pudsey to find the Gadsby clan assembled in readiness for their weekly onslaught on Asda. Hilda went off with Jill, and we sat with Tony and Diane, who is 20 today and looks like Pamela Ewing in 'Dallas'. It's the hair. We went on to Karen's to inspect Hayley, a bonnie 12 week-old. Karen, obviously, is over the moon. After a few hours at Stanningley we went on to see Auntie Mabel, eating lunch, and then back to Wilsby for a buffet supper. Auntie Eleanor was there too. We returned home at 7, or 8, after the feast. At home we watched a Kennedy programme and went to bed.

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Friday November 18, 1983

 5, Club Street, Lidget Green, Bradford 7

Ally in a large yellow robe looking like a monster egg custard came down at 10:20 to make cups of tea and spied Mum and Dad coming down the garden path. They came en route to MFI where they were heading to buy cupboards and so we had breakfast together. They went off at 11:30 and Ally and I went to her dentist where she had her teeth cleaned, polished &c. I then went to the barber's where I was suitably clipped. It was hideously long and I was beginning to look like Oscar Wilde. We arranged to go out tonight for a pizza with John, Lynn, Sue, &c. We haven't all been under the same roof for ages. Mum and Dad called in again at 2 and then went off to Horton. We splashed in the bath and went to Guiseley for 6:30. We all met at Lynn's and went on to Peppermint Place, a new restaurant owned by Frazer Hines, and we sat around a large round table (I was in between Ally and Janette). Wine flowed like water. The food was not brilliant. On to the Old Ball at Horsforth and then the Station. It all seemed to be over much too quickly. Sue looked happy and well and sweet, as always. Have Lynn and Dave got themselves too deep in debt with Thorpefields? Back to theirs for coffee. Katie hadn't slept and was sat red faced on Julie (Baker's) knee. Home to bed at 2:30am.

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Thursday November 17, 1983

 Why Not, Hemlington

Our cottage.

Fran O'Brien was here early and snooping around in the lounge and getting in the way of the cleaners. He asks whether the bedding is ours or his. It's ours. He went off to court in Middlesbrough with Tim and as I was packing the car I ceased to be the licensee here. I felt rotten. Ally chatted to the stocktaker as I attempted to get a grip of myself. Tim, poor boy, was on edge, and when Joe Battle came in shouting and swearing he went for him like a wild beast, and punches were exchanged before noon. Brenda was hysterical with laughter. Roy and Marie called to say goodbye. Marie said that drink makes Mags 'go loopy'. I don't think the demon drink does Roy much good either. Tim says poor Roy has been going through a bad patch lately. William has left home, &c. We left Hemlington at 1:30 and I was violently sick as we hurtled down the A1. Shaking like a leaf too. Ally drove via Pontefract (!) to see Sister Matthews who said she has a large, fine baby. Back to our cottage where we sat by the fire in a complete state of shock. Bed.

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Wednesday November 16, 1983

 Why Not, Hemlington

Mags.

Warmer and wetter, and so is the weather. We rushed out to the car, as Ronald Reagan would do if ever his secret service agents had a day off, and made our last drive to that dead hole, Thornaby. I forgot to say but we visited Roy on Monday but they were absent at a furniture sale. Tonight was dead as a doornail. Anna asked to work in a different bar to Carole, but gave no reason. Went upstairs at 11 screaming with glee - our torture at the Why Not is over. Praise be to God. Ally and I changed and went over to the Linthorpe where we all went in taxis (Roy with us) to the re-opening of Mandy's disco. It's called something else now.There until late. We sat with Mags (who secretly loves me), JT, Roy, Marie, trainees, &c. Roy was very pissed and he attempted to thump Macca, who was paying too much attention to Mags. They all ended up outside squabbling. Roy disappeared in a taxi trapping Mags in the door and we chased them in another vehicle back to the Linthorpe. Mags, wet and wearing velvet, was hysterical. I was drunk too on whisky, and only Ally was sane. Back to the Why not for our last night under that hideous roof.

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Tuesday November 15, 1983

 Why Not, Hemlington

I got up at 7:30 and did my 'bottling up'. I went out to look for bullets, or shell cases in the garden, but found nothing. I'd like to kill the bastard who is terrifying my poor wife. Ally though is unscathed and sat sipping tea and reading a magazine. I attempted to have a bath which isn't an easy thing when living in a pub. One is forever on call.

Young Peter Phillips is six today. It's a scandal. The boy really should be given a peerage.

Barmaids from Hell.

Ally has been packing our suitcase.We cannot wait for the moment when we drive away leaving the Why Not behind forever. It is quite alarming how we have grown to accept gratuitous violence without even thinking. Neither of us lost sleep last night after the gunshot drama but if such a thing had taken place at Club Street we would have been in uproar. I only hope that we can leave without Mandy Metro being attacked. I wouldn't put it past the pigs around here to let down our tyres ... or burst them. I opened up at 11 and Carole came in at 12. The place like a mausoleum and I had to endure the ramblings of Tommy 'Voicebox' , such an old bore. Brenda, the barmaid, told me at the eleventh hour that Carole is the viper in our midst, 'the one what's pilfering'. All I can do is tell Tim to keep an eagle eye on her because when she left at 3:30 I rejoiced in the knowledge that I will never have to survey her craggy countenance again. I hope she rots in Hell. Brenda informed me of this treachery and then asked for a sub, which I refused. Maurice says it is a paradox. He wants us to go for our sakes, but then he doesn't. He was aghast when I told him that Ally had been the victim of an assassination attempt. 'Get out', he says, 'Oh get out'. We are doing. We sat in bed watching a TV programme about Greece. Memories of Ios came flooding back. The nights of passion 'neath the starry heavens.

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Monday November 14, 1983

 The Birthday of the Prince of Wales

The Why Not, Hemlington

A dark start to the day at 7am. We stayed abed listening to BBC Radio 4. It is the Prince of Wales's birthday. He is 35. Ally gasped when I said that when Diana is 60 the prince will be 72. I went downstairs and scrubbed the cellar, re-hung the curtains, 'bottled up' - all this for less than £80 a week. I must be a madman. We had breakfast at 10. Creamy porridge, eggs for Ally, but I abstained. It is ten years ago today since Ally scaled Pen-y-Ghent with Martyn Cole. Ten years ago today I was squat in front of a smouldering TV watching Princess Anne marry the young army captain. The cleaner, Gail, asked me for a £2 sub and I refused. If bar staff cannot have subs then why should the cleaners? Sunshine, but cold. When Miss Smarty Pants came in at 12 we went off to Thornaby and banked the takings. In Woolco we were nauseated by the sight of Christmas decorations and we shopped to the piped music of 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'. Too early for this sort of thing don't you think? Back at the Why Not Ally made a chicken stew and dumplings. Felt sleepy and sprawled on the bed after dinner listening to the news. Cruise missiles arrived at Greenham Common today. A jolly good thing too. At 9:40 I was in the lounge downstairs talking with Lol Wilson about the Clissold pub in Muswell Hill when Ally phoned down for me to go up. Upstairs we have a bullet hole through the kitchen window which cracked the double glazed panel. Ally was on her way to the kitchen at the time of the gunshot. I shudder to think what could have happened. I am quite convinced that many people in our society are unfit to live. Cocoa in bed at midnight.

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Sunday November 13, 1983

 24th Sunday after Trinity

Remembrance Sunday

Ally is sweet. We switched on the TV whilst having breakfast and her eyes filled with tears at the sight of the ex-servicemen parading past the Cenotaph in Whitehall. The Prince of Wales laid the Queen's wreath because she is Kenya at the Sagana Lodge where she had learned she had succeeded to the throne in 1952. It is exactly 50 years to the day since the last Prince of Wales deputised for the sovereign. Horrible afternoon. The beer pumps stopped flowing and I couldn't locate the fault. I managed to stay calm. The rabble had to drink bottled beer and thereby cleared some of the old, slow-selling stock. The two hours at lunch flew. I spent much of the time in the cellar trying to sort the problem. I thought it wise not to tell Ally of the crisis. She was oblivious upstairs. At 3 I joined my wife for a roast chicken. Afterwards we sat in bed. She marvels at my ability to do three things at once, i.e. talk to her, read the Daily Telegraph and at the same time watch the 1950s epic 'Alexander the Great' starring a 19 year-old Richard Burton. Slept then until 6pm. Quiet night. The maniac female Joyce tore down the curtains in the back bar. I blame our very strong Cider Reserve. To bed.

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Saturday November 12, 1983

 Why Not, Hemlington

Yarm.

Ally sat upstairs while I laboured below with the blind barmaid Margaret McMahon. She is a despicable shit. She is a woman unworthy of being a mother. Busy. We haven't had the mad axeman Clayton in yet but some of his henchmen are here. One is a dwarf in a flat cap who looks like he wouldn't say boo to a goose, but I suppose that's his principal weapon. He has tiny eyes like a pig, which glint over the top of his pint glass. At 3:30 Ally phoned Frank to see if her car insurance has expired. He says not. Bessie was more cheerful. We drove to Yarm and bought a 'moses basket' and stand for £54. It is decorated with 'broderie anglaise' white material and looks very Victorian. It really brings it home to us that a baby is on the way. We carried our new purchase to the car. We spent an hour and £10 buying absolutely nothing in a large store including bottles of the male contraceptive pill (a joke thing, sweets really) for Graham, Peter & John for Christmas. Back at the Why Not a woman phoned to ask when we are leaving. I told her I do not know. A couple arrived with strong London accents who say they are the new masters here having just been appointed by Fran O'Brien. (David) Tyne saw them in London and liked. I showed them over the place. They had been here on Tuesday, incognito, when the electrician was fixing the glass washer. I remember seeing a well-dressed couple who aroused my suspicions. We had a brawl between two youths late on. To bed. We lay talking for ages.

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Friday November 11, 1983

 Veteran's Day, USA - Remembrance Day, Canada

The Why Not Hemlington

Hagler v. Duran.

Ally has joined the Halifax Building Society, we both have, and a bank book came in the post confirming that we have invested a grand total of £26 with that auspicious banking organisation. Ally will make me a rich man yet. Thank God for good wives. When barmaid Sue came in at 11 we went to Thornaby to bank £500 and we bought big cream cakes, crumpets, and fruit loaves. We will be as big a house sides, before long. We hurried back to eat our purchases and swill tea whilst the dubious barmaid toiled below (that is if one actually 'toils' with only three customers). I am tired and developed a headache. At 3:30 we went out to an antique shop in Linthorpe and bought a tea pot and a sugar basin with an image of Hardraw Falls at Hawes, on the front. They cost £10 and we thought they'd make a good present for Mum and Dad, living only a few miles from Hawes. It's silly buying Mum perfume for Christmas because she uses so much that by the New Year it's gone. Ronnie Bedford came in the bar this afternoon and threatened that before we leave here he will 'smash my head in'. Such friendly, warm people. We had lasagne which didn't go down too well. I slept on the bed for ten minutues and then went downstairs for the night. Quiet. The mob in the bar is obsessed with boxing and a fight between Marvin Hagler and Roberto Duran is to be screened at 10:30. Using my grey cells I dismantled the TV set before opening and hid it telling the pugilistic throng that it was broken. That put paid to them asking for a 'stoppy-back' at closing to watch two sensless apes knocking the fuck out of each other for money. Boxing really should be outlawed.  Blood sports? Why worry about slaughtering foxes when we are busy killing each other?

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Thursday November 10, 1983

 Why Not, Hemlington

Sluggish. A struggle to get out of bed at 8:30 and I went down with a wrinkled brow and firm set jaw. Not many people have a firm set jaw in Hemlington. The dwarf-like man from Tavern Automatics had me helping him to carry out a useless video game. Appropriately enough, it was coffin shaped. The cleaners know that Tim is going to take over next week. I think that perhaps they have a bigger and better spy network that Yuri Andropov. More fog. Ally went to Marton, where she says the people seem normal. Even the shopkeepers in Hemlington are sadistic perverts. Ally often comes home with tales of woe from the local supermarket, often witnessing flying vegetables and canned peaches. Perhaps the insanity is due to something in the water supply? The BBC really should do a 'Panorama' on the violence here. Our last Thursday at the Why Not. No incidents and the night passed peacefully. Ally of course didn't stray from her boudoir where she lay in some discomfort as her tummy rippled, bulged like a vibrating blancmange. Possum has arranged to see Sister Matthews next Thursday afternoon and has made an appointment for me to see our dentist on Friday. Some teeth ache and I think I need a few fillings.

Wednesday November 9, 1983

 The Why Not, Hemlington

The Why Not.

Fog inside and out. The broken fans, which in happier times filtered the cigarette smoke, give the place an eerie atmosphere and this afternoon was like the opening scene of 'Macbeth'. The witches appeared in the shape of Jan Simpson and the hag, Pat. The latter has a laugh like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz and professes to have the ability to read tea leaves. I supplied her with none. I do not mess with superstitious nonsense. By 3pm the place was like a brothel with Jan like a saloon girl in a western, movie sitting astride old Maurice, the Scottish jew. Ally, thank God, was out at the shops, buying pork chops and posting letters. We sent a birthday card to Tim, and letters to Lynn, Sue, Auntie Mabel and Edna & Nellie. By 3:30 it was dark. I am fagged out. We ate pork chops and lay on the bed. The bump is low and Ally lay vibrating. What an active child we have. Smoke screen again tonight.I was on my own in the bar at 8:30 when in walked Roy, Marie and Mags who stayed for an hour. While they were here a fight kicked off in the back bar which resulted in blood stained dominoes. Then two policemen came in to tell me that the arch-criminal Peter Clayton is our of prison on bail but barred from visiting Middlesbrough. This is all we need in our final week. Roy laughed at the way I handle things. I think he's astounded that I have done so well here and not suffered defeat. They went of in the smog at 9:20. They would like us to stay with them next Thursday, but of course we want to go home. A letter arrived today confirming we are to go to the Red Lion in Bradford on Nov 28 for two weeks. Our penultimate Wednesday is over.

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