Thursday October 27, 1977

Phoned Chapel Allerton Hospital at 11.30 and spoke to a nice nurse who spoke for a while about Carole. She is extremely ill and today underwent tests for some nameless disease which everyone is keeping quiet about. No point in passing on any messages either, because she's too drowsy to comprehend anything.

I contacted Christine this morning (10.20am) and we arranged to go to the Fox and Hounds tomorrow night. This should prove exciting and pleasant after the stagnation of recent times.

Thatcher: grey and toothless.

Denis Healey presented a Budget yesterday and by the look of things I'll be getting a £20 or £30 tax rebate at Christmas. Better than putting your feet in acid I do suppose. It's chilling to hear that Mr Healey intends presenting three or four more budgets before going out of office, which means that the nauseating government may be with us until the Spring of 1979. Poor Margaret Thatcher will be grey and toothless by then.

No Squash this evening. Sarah must have gone off the idea, but I can't say I'm heartbroken. Sarah's ups and downs get on my nerves and hitting balls against a brick wall are not the top of my priority list at the moment.

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Wednesday October 26, 1977

I was up at 7.30 today but decided to go straight back to bed. Phoned Sarah at 8.30 to inform her of my absence then retired to bed until after 10. I am just miserable, penniless and depressed and nothing on earth could have persuaded me to go into the YP today. I'm not often to be found in this state, but today was the exception.

Dad didn't go to work until 2pm and so we spent a couple of hours in the garden where I pruned most of the rose bushes whilst he foraged happily in the undergrowth.

My thoughts were of Carole throughout the day and I was virtually in a trance. Mum asked me to turn the cooker on and I accidentally turned the wrong nob and set fire to her best tea pot and burned her Formica work surface. I was on another planet.

Didn't see the point in phoning Chapel Allerton. They aren't doing anything until tomorrow and they are all busy people. I'll send some flowers on Friday or perhaps I'll hand them in at the hospital.

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Tuesday October 25, 1977

_.Day off with Susan. To Bradford at 11 where she did a bit of Christmas shopping - or perhaps I should say all of her Christmas shopping. We met Martyn and had a drink in the Painted Waggon and then Sue went with him to Samuel's to see about a job.

Susan.

Coming home on the bus at 3 o'clock I fell to sleep. It gave Sue a good deal of amusement. At home I phoned the hospital and a helpful nurse said: "she (Carole) is very much better, but very much the same", which is a fat lot of good.

Tony came after tea with bad news. They are taking Carole to Chapel Allerton tomorrow where she is having a hole drilled into the back of her head on Thursday. Tony got this information from her mum, who also told him that they gave Carole something today which paralysed her. Oh God it's hideous. Chapel Allerton Hospital is a leading cancer hospital and most of the leukaemia cases in the area go there. However, the surgery on Carole at the moment is only of an investigative nature and the operation on Thursday is only a test. All may yet be well and in a few months I may well be moaning about seeing Carole out in the usual haunts looking adorable on the arm of Peter Fogarty. I hope to God this is the case.

I felt horribly tired tonight and by 10pm I was dropping off in the chair. By half past I was snoring in bed with 'The Count of Monte Cristo' over my face. I fear I'm never going to get the end of this book. It's taken me a fortnight to read 200 pages which is a very bad show.

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Monday October 24, 1977

United Nations Day. The hospital says she (Carole) is just the same but I think they are keeping the bad news from all except her family. I don't think Fogarty is allowed to go. Feeling horribly depressed at the YP today I phoned Christine, who didn't know about Carole's illness. She wants to go out for a drink tonight and I readily agree.

Christine came at 8 and we went to to the Shoulder of Mutton, the White Cross, the Hare & Hounds and finally the Fox & Hounds. I was quite pissed after lager, Pernod, cider, Stella Artois, but I needed it, I really did.

Christine was horror struck at the way nobody sticks together these days, the old crowd. She did her utmost to make me laugh. One funny story concerned her most recent boyfriend. He had his arm tattooed with the immortal words 'I Love Christine' and the very next day she told him she wanted no more to do with him! I really liked that. Her attitude is that he can go have a skin graft, or alternatively he can go out and find another Christine.

Christine looked nice too. A new £120 coat and handbag. Her hair nicer than it's been for ages. She isn't as silly about drink as in days of old. In fact she insisted on tipping her drink into my glass each time I complained about 'still' feeling sober. She came back for a glass of wine but had to get off by 11 to see her Mum.

Christine's coming out on Friday night. We always go into hysterics when discussing _______.He is the rallying point, the focal point in fact of my sarcasm, or anything nasty and rude which needs to be bandied about. It must have something to do with his face.

I watched Patrick Moore on the TV with my eyes all bleary and Mum made me a bacon sandwich (I must have looked under nourished) which I don't remember eating. In bed at 12.

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Sunday October 23, 1977

_.20th after Trinity. Tony came up after breakfast to see if I fancied joining him in a few drinks, but I had no desire to leave the house in my mental condition. My enquiries at the hospital received the same reply as I had yesterday. Oh God, isn't life cruel? What has Carole ever done to deserve being struck down at her age? A sweet, innocent young darling with not one wicked thought in her head - and she's laid dying.

I cannot help becoming terribly nostalgic about Carole. Do you realise that I have never felt about any other girl in the way I feel about Carole? Even though I destroyed our 'affair' I have never been able to recapture the same emotions with anyone else, and indeed when we got together in May for a couple of months I had never been happier. We have been apart since July and I know she has chosen Fogarty but somehow I always have had the feeling that we would be back together. And now this. All I can do is hope, pray and ask God to look after her because nineteen miserable years is no life. When she is well again I am going to phone her and simply tell her I love her. What happens after that is down to her. She can have Peter Fogarty but I'm going to make my opinion known. For too long we've been carrying on like children. Fate is terrible. My relationship with Carole has been one long tragedy.

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Saturday October 22, 1977

Must be the worst day of my life. All I could think about was Carole in hospital. At 11 I telephoned and asked about her and a nurse told me she is very, very poorly and is receiving no visitors other than close family. I asked her to tell Carole that 'Michael has phoned'. I then made the mistake of looking through the old photograph albums. ________.

with Carole.

Tony came up after lunch and we had a couple of hours in Bradford. By tea time I was depressed like I've never been depressed before and sat in the bath I actually started to cry. I was really upset. It seems that Carole's had something called a 'lumbar puncture' or something and she must have been in great agony. I could do nothing but think of the good times we had together and I was in agony imagining that if she were to go I'd be the only person remaining with those memories and the little things we laughed at and joked about. For God's sake I think I'm in love and it's all too late. They all see, at home, just how upset I am and they behave with great kindness. Lynn is an angel and tells me it will all be OK.

Down to the Fox with Lynn, Dave, Chris and Pete M, Martyn, Denise and Yvonne. I'm cheered up somewhat but still morose and eaten away inside.

At 11 they all want to go to that grotty disco in Bradford again - except Denise that is - so they go and D(enise) and I came back to Pine Tops for a few glasses of wine and a chat. She stayed until 2 and we gave the record player a good bash in the process. She told me she cannot picture anyone who could ever possibly marry me. Insult or complement I don't care.

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Friday October 21, 1977

_.Out with tony and Martyn tonight for the first time in ages. We went to the Fox & Hounds with Sue & Pete N, Chris Rat and Pete M, Andy and Linda, &c. Just like old times don't you think?

Carole: poor pet.

Chris told me that Carole's taken a turn for the worst and that her illness is grave. Even the dreaded word 'leukaemia' was brought up and I shuddered with horror. "My poor Pet is dying" was all I could think and I'm afraid I became quite drunk. Tony said that he saw her yesterday and fears she will never get well again.

From the Fox we went to a ghastly disco in Bradford where I saw Wendy and Anne and some of the others. I was in a terrible frame of mind and behaved quite miserably. It was a relief to get out at 2am. It was not over yet, and I was compelled to endure 2 hours in an Indian restaurant eating rabbit and rice. ___________.

At home and in bed at 4 in the bloody morning. I prayed that Carole will be well again soon so that I can see her _____________.Please don't laugh. It's not my intention to be amusing. It is not until the moment comes when you think you are going to lose someone that the horror of it - and  your true emotions regarding that person - emerge.

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Thursday October 20, 1977

_.No Squash or Sarah today. The call of the Welsh National Opera and Mr MacMurray proved too appealing. Instead I retired home for tea with Mum & Dad and watched television.

Wednesday October 19, 1977

Mist and rain. A grotty day indeed. Sarah, John McMurray and I went to the library together. Sarah disappeared into the art section, John into music, and I buggered about in the biographical works and in fiction.

John laughed when I told him that the first book I borrowed from a library (aged 11) was 'Queen Mary' by Pope-Hennessy. He told me he knew a guy who lived with Mr Pope-Hennessy, who was of course a leading homosexual. The author was stabbed to death by a fellow flat-mate about three years ago.

Norman Scott.

On the subject of homosexuals the Jeremy Thorpe/Norman Scott Affair is back in the news. It now transpires that a 'prominent' member of the Liberal party payed a young man to shoot Mr Scott. It is for poor Marion Thorpe that I feel great sympathy. From Harewood House to the gutter in ten years. ________________.

Marion Thorpe.

John Grady phoned. He was very excited. He told me that Hylda Baker lives in Bolton. I told him I'd phone Granada TV tomorrow to get some information about her for him. He really is obsessed with dearest Hylda and I cannot help blaming myself. John Grady was once a normal lad without a care in the world.

Saw part III of 'The Norman Conquests' and Lynn and Dave came to talk about churches, flowers and big wedding cars.









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Tuesday October 18, 1977

For the sake of history I'll just mention the West German hijacking rescue which took place in Somalia at one o'clock this morning. All 86 hostages were freed and three of the four terrorists involved were executed. The three leaders of the Baader-Meinhof terrorist gang 'committed suicide' early this morning in Frankfurt's top security prison.

The only other news of importance today is that the Prince of Wales is in the USA on an official visit. No doubt little Amy Carter fancies her chances. The work going on at Princess Anne's Gatcombe Park is finished and is now ready for the royal occupants, &c.

I haven't mentioned any of the items here previously because quite frankly when one is in the employment of a newspaper one tends to ignore the news and writing about newsy things is 'talking shop' don't you think? Besides, why should I worry you with the nasty news items of the nineteen seventies? You have much more to worry about down in the 21st century with your nuclear wars and loaves of bread costing £2,000 each.

I wrote to Helen (Malin) in Gloucester saying I will send her the £1 I owe her on the day that the royal baby is born. I also wrote a note to David just to let him know that although he's deserted me I have no intention of doing the same to him.

John (Grady) told me that when Chris and Pete were over in Rawtenstall on October 1st they told him how quiet and morose I had become of late. Me? Quiet and morose? I'm the bloody life and soul and always will be. ____________. I just give up, I really do.

Martyn phoned at 9 and seemed to be much better.

Papa seems to have made the discovery of a wonderful strange jar which would convert into an ideal lamp. However, he wants to make wine in it. This brewing is rapidly taking over the lives of my dear parents. I think it is ever such a good idea.

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Monday October 17, 1977

More bloody fog. It was so thick this morning that Jim drove straight passed me in his rotten car completely ignorant of my presence on the lane. It's ideal weather for committing murder in fact. (Please don't ask me why I should be thinking of murder first thing on a lousy, wet morning).

The YP was horribly busy. The whole day was reminiscent of a typical day in the English Civil War, the Battle of Newark, or something like that. Not exactly a Ypres or Waterloo, but close.

Rene Levesque ....

Sarah was pleasant. We are not 'squashing' this week because she's going to the opera (Welsh National Opera, I think) with John McMurray. No comment on this.

On the brighter side of things I'm sure you'll be gladdened to learn that Her Majesty the Queen is in Canada making some attempt to keep that nation united. Quebec is Canada's answer to Ireland and just because they would like to speak French instead of English they are, under a man named Levesque, seeking to break away as an independent country.

Just had a bath tonight and watched an ancient Bing Crosby film on BBC2 which was corny but quite good really. No one can complain about good old Bing, I'm sure.

Lynn and Dave went to see George and Jane Waite and they returned with a weird tale _______________.


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