Sunday October 23, 1977

_.20th after Trinity. Tony came up after breakfast to see if I fancied joining him in a few drinks, but I had no desire to leave the house in my mental condition. My enquiries at the hospital received the same reply as I had yesterday. Oh God, isn't life cruel? What has Carole ever done to deserve being struck down at her age? A sweet, innocent young darling with not one wicked thought in her head - and she's laid dying.

I cannot help becoming terribly nostalgic about Carole. Do you realise that I have never felt about any other girl in the way I feel about Carole? Even though I destroyed our 'affair' I have never been able to recapture the same emotions with anyone else, and indeed when we got together in May for a couple of months I had never been happier. We have been apart since July and I know she has chosen Fogarty but somehow I always have had the feeling that we would be back together. And now this. All I can do is hope, pray and ask God to look after her because nineteen miserable years is no life. When she is well again I am going to phone her and simply tell her I love her. What happens after that is down to her. She can have Peter Fogarty but I'm going to make my opinion known. For too long we've been carrying on like children. Fate is terrible. My relationship with Carole has been one long tragedy.

-=-