Wednesday August 15, 1979

_. I went to Horsforth at 4:30 to meet Doreen, an old friend of Delia's and Sarah's godmother. She is insane. We went to a shop to buy flash cubes for Delia's camera. Sarah dreading the prospect of the coming evening with the ghastly Bill North. At 7:30 they rolled in, Barbara Wheeler, Olive, Bill North, &c. Bill became immediately intoxicated and stood reciting a monologue in the style of Hermione Gingold. Poor Barbara almost collapsed in her efforts to stifle hysteria. As we left the sitting room for the dining room and food I suffered the nauseating experience of being groped by Bill, who patted and caressed my buttocks. Obviously he was hideously pissed, but this is no excuse. In my endeavours to escape the old perv's clutches I almost collided with the avocado mousse [like liquidised privet clippings].

Sarah had a phone call from Richard Burke telling her of a party at Parker's wine bar for a couple of lads who are clearing off to Greece. She immediately summoned a taxi and off we went to Leeds.

At Parker's the usual 'Regent brigade' were out in force. I immediately made a bee-line for Jacq and Linda and proceeded to rob them of cigarettes and white wine. I amused them with the tale of my assault. At midnight Sarah went off with Richard, which was naughty of her. Jacq drove me home.

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Tuesday August 14, 1979

_. Dull day. I won't bore you with the details of the office. Later, Ally and I sitting on a sofa. Imagine the scene. She's reading 'Decline and Fall', and I'm eating perhaps the juiciest, squirty orange ever grown. Ally is soaked in orange juice, pips dangling from her perm, the pages of Evelyn Waugh's masterpiece stuck together.

Ally started reading 'Watership Down' but didn't get past page 18. I can understand why.

In the news: Princess Margaret and Roddy Llewellyn are on holiday in Marbella. They flew out 'incognito'  to a villa owned by the Philippines ambassador to the UK. When will she make a honest man of him?

Poor, maligned Princess Anne enters her thirtieth year tomorrow. Since her marriage to 'Fog' Phillips [fog because according to Charles he's 'thick and wet'] she has gone into a steady decline in the affections of the public. According to a new biography she and the Prince of Wales hate each other, and the prince resents Mark Phillips, considering him to be of low intelligence.

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Monday August 13, 1979

_. Maria and the babies came for tea and we had salad and mounds of Mama's homemade bread. Susan and Ally took off to a sauna where they are slowly steaming themselves to death. Women these days are turning into Americans with weekly trips to saunas, solariums, swimming meetings, &c. What next? Weekly trips to the psychiatrist? __________.

Allys is reading 'Decline and Fall' by Evelyn Waugh. I didn't get round to reading it until Christmas. See a film on TV starring Julie Andrews as Gertrude Lawrence - 'Star'. Bed nearly 12.

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Sunday August 12, 1979

_. 9th Sunday after Trinity

Sue and Pete are home from Cornwall and are keeping very quiet about their holiday. Have things not gone well, perhaps? I suppose they are upset that Lynn & Dave are continuing the 'grand tour' without them. They [Lynn and Dave] are moving on to the Gribble Inn at Little Torrington, Devon. Dave is looking forward to the strip-tease act which takes place in this disgraceful tavern every Friday.

Saw three Alfred Hitchcock films today in celebration of the old boy's 80th birthday tomorrow. 'Thirty Nine Steps' in the afternoon, and  'To Catch a Thief' and 'Psycho' in the evening.

Maria with JPH and Catherine called here in the afternoon, but didn't stay long.

I am paralysed from the waist down and my eyes have gone square.

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Saturday August 11, 1979

_. Before retiring last night Ally and I listened to Rachmaninov's 2nd piano concerto [Maura Lympany] sprawled on the dining room carpet. We decided to go out for luncheon today - and WE DID!  At 12:30 we went into Leeds and ate steak at Jacomelli's on Boar Lane. Rare rump steak and red wine. Wonderful conversation. Ally insisted on paying for our lunch and  the £7.44 will be forever engraved upon my heart. Afterwards we walked across Leeds hand in hand gazing into shops and making the usual noises associated with 'window shopping'.

Out tonight with Ally, Dave L, and Maria. A weird combination, but we had a fun evening. Dave is always an adventurous drinker, and he took us to the Travellers Rest at Crimple. We only ever venture in that direction with David. Maria told us all the sordid details of child-bearing. _____.

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Friday August 10, 1979

_. Gruesome headache. Did very little all morning and sat at my desk feeling sick and shattered. Kathleen is away, at Auntie Mary's funeral, which is convenient. I sat at my desk, with my feet up blatantly reading volume 2 of Churchill's 'History of the English Speaking Peoples' and praising God that Mrs Mary McHale had chosen this day to be reunited with her dear husband Tom. R.I.P.

To lunch with Sarah and Eileen to Da Mario's for pizzas. Shared a table with a couple of wasteful creatures who poked and prodded at their food with a total lack of interest. I felt nauseous. Leaving the restaurant we bumped into Jacq at a bus stop. ___________.

This evening Ally and I decided upon a pub crawl. We did the Hare and Hounds [I spoke to Judith], the White Cross, the Shoulder of Mutton, the Commercial [Annie and Ron Lindley have gone taking all with them]. Home at 10:50 to watch the Marx Brothers in 'Duck Soup' - excellent. Bed at 1:20.

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Thursday August 9, 1979

_. Just Ally and I to the Cow and Calf and later Oakwood Hall. ________. We did not go out until after 9pm but made up for it in the bar. She drank like a large fish. I overheard a girl in the bar confide in a friend that my Hawaiian-style shirt resembled 'two dishcloths stitched together'.

At Oakwood we continued down our destructive path towards vagrancy and destitution drinking Pernod and cider in obnoxious proportions. We behaved like savages on the dance floor. Groping, kissing, etc. It resembled a scene from a 1942 film where the young army captain is taking leave of his bride after two days leave to go get himself shot in the Balkans. I was Tyrone Power.

Coffee and sandwiches at 3:30am.

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Wednesday August 8, 1979

_. Margaret and Jim came here this evening instead of the traditional Thursday because they are venturing to Redcar tomorrow. They do not enthuse about the prospects of a wet day at the races. I bet they end up at the White Cross at lunch time.

I have neglected my royal deliberations recently. What with the Queen's victorious visit to Zambia and the escapades of the Prince of Wales and Prince Andrew with the Guinness sisters I have had ample opportunity to lecture, but have held back. You must forgive this boring patch.

I retired to bed at 12 full to bursting with pork pies and salad sandwiches. I will resemble Orson Welles before long.

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Tuesday August 7, 1979

_. People are telling me I'm putting on weight. I'm paying now for being a ten stone weakling for my first quarter of a century. Is 12st excessive for a 6ft 25 year old? On a happier note a trainee journalist approached me today and mistook me for a classmate. The pimply 19 year-old youth thought I was a teenager.

Took a bath. Early to bed.

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Monday August 6, 1979

_. Bank Holiday in Scotland & Irish Republic

A wet, hideous day. Home at five to see Hilda and Tony who came over to collect Ruby and Arthur. Maria and the children come here too. She misses John. The Gadsbys make off with the Pearces to Pudsey. Ruby cannot be long for this world.

JPH stayed to tea and ate roast beef, chips, salad, and mounds of chocolate cake. At 7 I carried the monster home to Ridgeway so that he could talk to his Papa - who phoned just as we arrived.

Molly went on for what seemed like ages on the pros and cons of buying a swing for the garden. I sipped my ale peacefully, trying not to glaze over.

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Sunday August 5, 1979

_. 8th Sunday after Trinity

Never have I felt so diabolical. I regained consciousness at 11am. Poor Ally was next to me shrouded in sheets and resembled the tomb of Princess Charlotte of Wales in St George's Chapel, Windsor.

Later we took presents to Karen & Steve's house, but we didn't stay long. Came home in the Spitfire with roof down to blow away the cobwebs. We collapsed onto the sofa listening to Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo & Juliet' , but this tranquil scene was shattered by the arrival of Maria with JPH and Catherine. They walked from Ridgeway, Maria pushing the pram. Mum and Dad had gone out for the day into the Dales with Ruby and Arthur. Maria laughed at our pathetic state.

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