Monday November 14, 1977

Went to see Carole at 2.30 in a downpour. Managed to keep quite dry though. She was just as cheerful but looked flushed. Her mother says Carole's temperature is up to 120. I had her in stitches about something and she chaffed me and said I should not get her excited. Mrs Phillips was quite human but insisted as referring to me as 'Peter'. I told Carole all about Jacqui.

Nureyev: homosexual?

Tony, Chris and Pete had visited her over the weekend, and so she'd already been told of Jacqui's visit. ________. She is an Angel. I told her I will write and it gave her a good deal of pleasure - I think. I am going back to visit her on Thursday. It's so wonderful to see her. Three weeks ago I thought she had gone forever.

See in the EP that 'Valentino' is on (at the cinema) in Leeds. Sarah and I are going the week after next - probably Nov 24. Rudolph Nureyev is not homosexual, is he? As I'm always telling Sarah , you can't have big, butch swans can you?

Britain's firemen went on strike today for the first time ever. Let's hope that the home of Mr Rees, the Home Secretary, is alight tonight. Other important news: Princess Anne is showing no signs of delivering Master Phillips into the world. Today would have been apt, the 29th birthday of the food-poisoned Prince of Wales and the Princess and Capt Phillips's fourth wedding anniversary.

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Thursday November 10, 1977

Went to see Carole at 2.30 bearing a box of chocolates and fearing the worst. Leeds Infirmary is an incredible place to get in. The bloke who first discovered Ward 26 may well have been Capt Scott.

Carole is ill but one wouldn't believe it by looking at her. Her looks have not deteriorated nearly half as much as I'd been informed by other visitors. She was overjoyed to see me and was an Angel. For me it was glorious to see her face and hear her voice. Her mother was with her, and behaved very nicely. It was just like old times in fact. Carole is the bravest kid alive - and she's only just managed to hang onto that by God's will. Mrs Phillips says that on two or three occasions Carole was a 'write off', and it seems that their priest is wearing a path from his church to the hospital. I was horrified to hear Carole's description of several revolting tests they have subjected her to, and could not find the suitable words to respond. I am over awed by it all. Her body is paralysed after treatment she's had on her spine and she is blind in one of her eyes (but unaware of this). I left at 3.30 and returned to the YP promising to visit again on Monday with chocolates and sandwiches. In hospital Carole is actually eating meat and vegetables of the non canned, fried or baked beaned variety. She is putting up one Hell of a fight. I do love her. She loves Peter Fogarty. I just want to see her happy whether it's with me, Fogarty or the Aga Khan.

To the (West Yorkshire) Playhouse at Leeds with Sarah after tea at Delia's. Saw 'Twelfth Night' with Vivien Heilbron as Olivia. Incredibly amusing. I seemed to enjoy it more than Sarah who looked seriously bored by it all. I do think she finds me dull. We left at 10.30 and she came back for a cup of tea (she never partakes in coffee). Mum is still laid up in bed and the Norfolk venture is fading all the more. Poor Soul. I shall have to get her a present at the weekend.

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Friday November 4, 1977

Leeds, or Atlantis?

Refused point blank to enter a place of alcoholic liquid consumption this evening. It is my own personal protest at the increasing rate of alcoholism which has taken place in the United Kingdom in recent times. By 1996 the whole of Yorkshire and Humberside will be submerged beneath a vast lake of lager, Beaujolais and Pennine Bitter. Leeds will be a pickled version of Atlantis.

I phoned Chapel Allerton (Hospital) to enquire about Carole and they told me she was back at Otley (Hospital) and so I phoned that obnoxious place where a nurse told me she is still seriously ill and not seeing vast deputations of visitors but if I want I can make an appointment and pay a brief visit when nobody else is in attendance. I'll go on Thursday next week with a box of chocolates or something. I shall always love her even though I find her exasperating and diametrically opposite to everything logical. Love is weird. I wouldn't have believed it possible that a couple with so much love for each other could make such a tragedy of what could have been an everlasting, idyllic relationship.

Tonight I stayed home with Mum and Lynn. Dad was out on constabulary duties until 10. We watched TV until the power workers plunged us into darkness at 11.06pm. Lynn and I sat laughing by candle light and retired to bed, in good spirits, before 12. The electricity was returned in all its glory at midnight and the evil power workers must have been grinning all over their faces at the success of getting 55 million people into bed.

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Friday October 28, 1977

Mum called in at Chapel Allerton Hospital on the way out with Ernest this afternoon and delivered flowers and a box of chocolates. They couldn't get to see Carole. John, who called in at about 7.30, said it may be a brain tumour and says that Maria has been at the hospital 'every day'.

Yorkshire Rose: mortuary.

Out with Christine to the Fox at 8.20. Sue joined us because Peter is at a party in Durham. I strongly resembled a punk rocker because Sue trimmed my hair in the 'Punk Rock' fashion and my tight jeans and plimsolls were an added touch. We were joined by Andy and Linda, Chris, Pete M, and Steve Hudson, and - wait for it - Miss Lynne Mather. Yes, Lynne Mather followed on. She looked much the same and didn't have much to say in my direction which isn't surprising. CB had me in stitches when she pointed out that Lynne appeared to be wearing a pair of bananas on her feet.

Tony arrived at 9.30 just as CB and I left for the Hare. From the Hare we went on to the Crown at Yeadon and then - finally - the Yorkshire Rose which resembled a mortuary. I was really pissed.

Christine came back for coffee and crumpets but left at a reasonable time because of her mother.

Lynn and I sat near the record player singing quietly and sharing a cigarette until 2am and supping a bottle of terrible nettle wine. She told me that when she and David have a son one of the lad's names will be Michael. What a wonderful gesture.

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Thursday October 27, 1977

Phoned Chapel Allerton Hospital at 11.30 and spoke to a nice nurse who spoke for a while about Carole. She is extremely ill and today underwent tests for some nameless disease which everyone is keeping quiet about. No point in passing on any messages either, because she's too drowsy to comprehend anything.

I contacted Christine this morning (10.20am) and we arranged to go to the Fox and Hounds tomorrow night. This should prove exciting and pleasant after the stagnation of recent times.

Thatcher: grey and toothless.

Denis Healey presented a Budget yesterday and by the look of things I'll be getting a £20 or £30 tax rebate at Christmas. Better than putting your feet in acid I do suppose. It's chilling to hear that Mr Healey intends presenting three or four more budgets before going out of office, which means that the nauseating government may be with us until the Spring of 1979. Poor Margaret Thatcher will be grey and toothless by then.

No Squash this evening. Sarah must have gone off the idea, but I can't say I'm heartbroken. Sarah's ups and downs get on my nerves and hitting balls against a brick wall are not the top of my priority list at the moment.

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Wednesday October 26, 1977

I was up at 7.30 today but decided to go straight back to bed. Phoned Sarah at 8.30 to inform her of my absence then retired to bed until after 10. I am just miserable, penniless and depressed and nothing on earth could have persuaded me to go into the YP today. I'm not often to be found in this state, but today was the exception.

Dad didn't go to work until 2pm and so we spent a couple of hours in the garden where I pruned most of the rose bushes whilst he foraged happily in the undergrowth.

My thoughts were of Carole throughout the day and I was virtually in a trance. Mum asked me to turn the cooker on and I accidentally turned the wrong nob and set fire to her best tea pot and burned her Formica work surface. I was on another planet.

Didn't see the point in phoning Chapel Allerton. They aren't doing anything until tomorrow and they are all busy people. I'll send some flowers on Friday or perhaps I'll hand them in at the hospital.

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Tuesday October 25, 1977

_.Day off with Susan. To Bradford at 11 where she did a bit of Christmas shopping - or perhaps I should say all of her Christmas shopping. We met Martyn and had a drink in the Painted Waggon and then Sue went with him to Samuel's to see about a job.

Susan.

Coming home on the bus at 3 o'clock I fell to sleep. It gave Sue a good deal of amusement. At home I phoned the hospital and a helpful nurse said: "she (Carole) is very much better, but very much the same", which is a fat lot of good.

Tony came after tea with bad news. They are taking Carole to Chapel Allerton tomorrow where she is having a hole drilled into the back of her head on Thursday. Tony got this information from her mum, who also told him that they gave Carole something today which paralysed her. Oh God it's hideous. Chapel Allerton Hospital is a leading cancer hospital and most of the leukaemia cases in the area go there. However, the surgery on Carole at the moment is only of an investigative nature and the operation on Thursday is only a test. All may yet be well and in a few months I may well be moaning about seeing Carole out in the usual haunts looking adorable on the arm of Peter Fogarty. I hope to God this is the case.

I felt horribly tired tonight and by 10pm I was dropping off in the chair. By half past I was snoring in bed with 'The Count of Monte Cristo' over my face. I fear I'm never going to get the end of this book. It's taken me a fortnight to read 200 pages which is a very bad show.

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Monday October 24, 1977

United Nations Day. The hospital says she (Carole) is just the same but I think they are keeping the bad news from all except her family. I don't think Fogarty is allowed to go. Feeling horribly depressed at the YP today I phoned Christine, who didn't know about Carole's illness. She wants to go out for a drink tonight and I readily agree.

Christine came at 8 and we went to to the Shoulder of Mutton, the White Cross, the Hare & Hounds and finally the Fox & Hounds. I was quite pissed after lager, Pernod, cider, Stella Artois, but I needed it, I really did.

Christine was horror struck at the way nobody sticks together these days, the old crowd. She did her utmost to make me laugh. One funny story concerned her most recent boyfriend. He had his arm tattooed with the immortal words 'I Love Christine' and the very next day she told him she wanted no more to do with him! I really liked that. Her attitude is that he can go have a skin graft, or alternatively he can go out and find another Christine.

Christine looked nice too. A new £120 coat and handbag. Her hair nicer than it's been for ages. She isn't as silly about drink as in days of old. In fact she insisted on tipping her drink into my glass each time I complained about 'still' feeling sober. She came back for a glass of wine but had to get off by 11 to see her Mum.

Christine's coming out on Friday night. We always go into hysterics when discussing _______.He is the rallying point, the focal point in fact of my sarcasm, or anything nasty and rude which needs to be bandied about. It must have something to do with his face.

I watched Patrick Moore on the TV with my eyes all bleary and Mum made me a bacon sandwich (I must have looked under nourished) which I don't remember eating. In bed at 12.

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Sunday October 23, 1977

_.20th after Trinity. Tony came up after breakfast to see if I fancied joining him in a few drinks, but I had no desire to leave the house in my mental condition. My enquiries at the hospital received the same reply as I had yesterday. Oh God, isn't life cruel? What has Carole ever done to deserve being struck down at her age? A sweet, innocent young darling with not one wicked thought in her head - and she's laid dying.

I cannot help becoming terribly nostalgic about Carole. Do you realise that I have never felt about any other girl in the way I feel about Carole? Even though I destroyed our 'affair' I have never been able to recapture the same emotions with anyone else, and indeed when we got together in May for a couple of months I had never been happier. We have been apart since July and I know she has chosen Fogarty but somehow I always have had the feeling that we would be back together. And now this. All I can do is hope, pray and ask God to look after her because nineteen miserable years is no life. When she is well again I am going to phone her and simply tell her I love her. What happens after that is down to her. She can have Peter Fogarty but I'm going to make my opinion known. For too long we've been carrying on like children. Fate is terrible. My relationship with Carole has been one long tragedy.

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Saturday October 22, 1977

Must be the worst day of my life. All I could think about was Carole in hospital. At 11 I telephoned and asked about her and a nurse told me she is very, very poorly and is receiving no visitors other than close family. I asked her to tell Carole that 'Michael has phoned'. I then made the mistake of looking through the old photograph albums. ________.

with Carole.

Tony came up after lunch and we had a couple of hours in Bradford. By tea time I was depressed like I've never been depressed before and sat in the bath I actually started to cry. I was really upset. It seems that Carole's had something called a 'lumbar puncture' or something and she must have been in great agony. I could do nothing but think of the good times we had together and I was in agony imagining that if she were to go I'd be the only person remaining with those memories and the little things we laughed at and joked about. For God's sake I think I'm in love and it's all too late. They all see, at home, just how upset I am and they behave with great kindness. Lynn is an angel and tells me it will all be OK.

Down to the Fox with Lynn, Dave, Chris and Pete M, Martyn, Denise and Yvonne. I'm cheered up somewhat but still morose and eaten away inside.

At 11 they all want to go to that grotty disco in Bradford again - except Denise that is - so they go and D(enise) and I came back to Pine Tops for a few glasses of wine and a chat. She stayed until 2 and we gave the record player a good bash in the process. She told me she cannot picture anyone who could ever possibly marry me. Insult or complement I don't care.

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Friday October 21, 1977

_.Out with tony and Martyn tonight for the first time in ages. We went to the Fox & Hounds with Sue & Pete N, Chris Rat and Pete M, Andy and Linda, &c. Just like old times don't you think?

Carole: poor pet.

Chris told me that Carole's taken a turn for the worst and that her illness is grave. Even the dreaded word 'leukaemia' was brought up and I shuddered with horror. "My poor Pet is dying" was all I could think and I'm afraid I became quite drunk. Tony said that he saw her yesterday and fears she will never get well again.

From the Fox we went to a ghastly disco in Bradford where I saw Wendy and Anne and some of the others. I was in a terrible frame of mind and behaved quite miserably. It was a relief to get out at 2am. It was not over yet, and I was compelled to endure 2 hours in an Indian restaurant eating rabbit and rice. ___________.

At home and in bed at 4 in the bloody morning. I prayed that Carole will be well again soon so that I can see her _____________.Please don't laugh. It's not my intention to be amusing. It is not until the moment comes when you think you are going to lose someone that the horror of it - and  your true emotions regarding that person - emerge.

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Friday October 14, 1977

Fog. Deep, deep fog. Sue, Pete and I went to the Fox & Hounds at 8 o'clock where we were joined by Chris and Pete M, Martyn and Tony. ____________.Chris was incredibly cheerful. He told us he's joining Sue, Pete and I on our trip to Rawtenstall tomorrow. The more the merrier. That's a dictum to which I strongly adhere myself. Chris told me that Carole is ill in hospital with kidney trouble again. She had a similar illness of similar proportions when she was 12  or 13. I will post her a 'get well' card.

Because of the weather I had no desire at all to go trailing over the county in search of females or more drink, and so when the lads left at 10.15 I told them I was staying with Sue & Pete. In fact we had a very good night at the Fox - a place which I previously had no love for at all.

Home after 11. Mum says Bing Crosby is dead. He collapsed whilst playing golf in Spain. Elvis, Marc Bolan and now Mr Crosby.

Watched the film 'Billy Liar' on TV. Ghastly.

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Saturday September 24, 1977

Out of bed at 9.30. Yes, half past nine. I went to Guiseley for a large family-size tin of Eno's Liver Salts and a bottle of orange barley water. Home by 10 feeling much better for my walk. David and Dad were on the drive at work on the Toyota.

Jacq & Joy on Ilkley Moor.

I was commanded to an audience with Mama. It's the usual story. Complaints about things that go pop, bang, and what have you, in the night, or perhaps I should say early morning. She was quite adamant this time about orgies, and future orgies in hours of darkness, and so pained that I vow never again to bring a living soul home after a night out. Mama, whilst sipping her morning tea, threatened terrorist action. When angered I suppose she could make the Bader-Meinhoff gang resemble the Wombles. I went cold with fear.

I have an amusing tale to recount to you. Do you recall M___P___? The mama of Carole? Yes, now you do. Well, it seems she's been caught altering price tickets at Presto again. Terribly sad I know, but there it is. Anyhow, it came to pass that Susan was reading of this incident, and peering over the top of the local paper she said quite seriously to Mama: "My God. That woman must be a nymphomaniac".

Jacqui and Joy came at about 3.30 and we went to Ilkley Moor where I leapt around with a camera. We made spectacles of ourselves before moving to Bolton Abbey for further revelries. The girls are mad. Truly insane. They have never before been north of Luton and are impressed by the rolling greenery of Wharfedale, but I make a terrible guide.

They came back for tea with the family and then we ventured back to Leeds to get ready for John's party at Oakwood (Hall). We didn't leave Leeds until 9 o'clock and the girls and I went to the Old White Horse at Bingley with Sue and Peter. Tony and Martyn joined us. Tony said he wasn't going to Oakwood but on seeing Joy he changed his mind. We got to Oakwood for about 10.30. John and Maria came with Chris and Pete M and Steve Hudson. Joy pinched John for a dance. Jacq and I danced all night. Well, until 2. _______.


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Friday September 9, 1977

Busy at the YP. Just Kathleen and I. However, after eight hours toiling we were still living and I was out and finished for the weekend.

Tony took John and Maria to Blackpool for the day, and he rang at 6 to say he'd be over in a couple of hours with Martyn. To the Harrogate Arms where we met Naomi, Carolle Jones, Graham Peel, the Royal We, Carole, Fogarty, Dave Lazenby, Ron (Denise's Ron), and others. I just didn't feel right. Was sick to death of everyone. __________. Miss Phillips was a pain in the neck. Why does she have to be so bloody childish? Oh, what does it matter anyway? In 200 years time who'll give a damn? Three pints later we left for home.I informed them of my visit to Harewood next Friday. They want tickets too, but when I say they're £8 they fall into a silence. I say I'm staying in tomorrow, but neither believed me I think.

Mum and Dad were watching an ancient film 'Family Way' and I plonked myself down with them.

-==-

Monday August 15, 1977

You will be relieved to read that the poor, exhausted Queen is on her way to Balmoral for her first break since February. Thank God the Ireland visit is over and done with and safely sealed away in the pages of history.

Carole phoned to explain why I received a postcard from Newquay on Saturday which had an Ilkley postmark embellished upon it. Miss Phillips is a write-off as far as I'm concerned and she can become Mrs Peter Fogarty tomorrow. Goodnight.

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Thursday July 28, 1977

Took the knackered camera back to Boots at lunchtime. Got back to the office at 1.20 and Eileen informed me that Jacqui had phoned just after I'd left and could I ring her back? Oh Christ I've lost her phone number. I can tell you that she resides at 102 Grosvenor Road, Muswell Hill, but as to her phone number, no. However, at 3.30 she rang back to see how I am and to to ask whether I made it home safely.

Jacqui.

Miss Phillips phoned at 4 o'clock. "Are you nice and brown?" she asked. She is going to Newquay tomorrow for two weeks. _______.

Called in at Guiseley Police station to get a lift home. Standing outside reading my copy of 'The Times' I espy Martyn. He tells me he's been to Manchester to get a job as an encyclopedia salesman. Evidently, after ten weeks he'll be able to go sell his wares in the Bahamas with  phenomenal salary, and no doubt on his private jet. Dad laughed when I told him. He said he's rather sweep the roads. Martyn had bumped into Maria in the chemists shop.

Tony phoned tonight but I said I wasn't going out. He fancied a pint at the Rose & Crown. I just couldn't stand the pace. Watched tv all night instead.

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Friday July 8, 1977

To the Harrogate Arms with Martyn and Tony. Carole's in with Fogarty. We didn't speak.

June Bottomley is 21 today. I remember John and I taking her and Sue Bottomley out on their seventeenth! How time flies. Happy Birthday, anyway, Pet.

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Wednesday July 6, 1977

Even warmer.  Out of bed late and didn't get into the YP until 9.30. No one cares though and people roll in and out at all times of the day and night. Worked until 4.30 with no break and got out into the sun.

Marita brought me to Guiseley where I collected a couple of pairs of trousers from the cleaners and winded my way home through the heat. Sat in the garden with Susan. She tells me Peter doesn't want to marry until he's 26 because he wants a better car in a few years time and cannot afford to do both. We discuss the names of future children. Jason Nason! Really zany is Susan.

We sat and laughed until the sun sank behind the Rawnsley residence. Susan was covered in goose pimples.

Community constable ....

Watched TV until about 10.30. Tony phoned and I told him Carole and I were going out tomorrow. He suggests Carole and I should get to the bottom of things. Quite right, Tony lad.

Poor Mr Bhutto has been chucked out of office in Pakistan and Papa made headlines in the Telegraph & Bogus as well as in the Yorkshire Evening Post tonight. Just a few paragraphs on his appointment as Community Constable. "LAURIE SOCKS IT TO 'EM" all over the front page wasn't to be unfortunately.

Seeing Dad's name in newsprint made me wonder how the relations of celebrities cope with the publicity. Does Mrs Bob Monkhouse quiver all over with excitement every time she reads Bob's name in the Radio Times?

What else can I tell you? Edward VI went to meet his maker on this day in 1553 and George V was dragged down the aisle by Princess May of Teck in 1893.

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Tuesday July 5, 1977

Good weather continues but the forecast says it will change for the worst on Thursday. Who cares? With the coup d'etat in Pakistan we have far more important things to worry about.

The Ostlers.

Out at lunchtime to the Ostlers with Sarah. She and Peter B finished last night on a dramatic note - as her relationships always seem to end. Had 2 halves of lager and soaked up the details.

Comments on my haircut: Stephanie Ferguson says I look like something (note not somebody) from the Stranglers (a Punk Rock group) and later in the afternoon she toned it down to David Bowie. Sarah spoiled it all and crumbled my ego by saying I looked like 'the queer waiter at the Damn Yankee'.

Rang Carole at 2 and had it out with her. I said all the things that have been on my mind all weekend but left out the most pointed abuse because she said she was going to cry. We both blamed each other and then _____________. I called her all the names under the sun (except the really rude ones for some gentleman-like romantic reason) and arranged to go out with her on Thursday. Or perhaps I should say I decided we were going out on Thursday. She's bringing my T-shirt with her. Oh, it's all so mixed up, isn't it? My love life, or lack of it, is far from stable. Am I jinxed?

Cut the lawns tonight. Dave B came and took Lynn to her shift at the Hare - I went with them and on with Dave to George Waite's on business. Back to the Hare at 9 for the last hour. Naomi was quite chatty and says she'll send a postcard to Ibiza.

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Monday July 4, 1977

Lynn wakes me at 7.30 thinking I'm in the office today but the weather was so nice I decided to stay up and take it all in. With the breakfast things cleared away Susan and I leaped out into the sun where we basked until lunchtime. At lunch Mum says John has been acting strangely and has demanded that the money I owe re Maria's catalogue be delivered to him this afternoon. He said something to the effect that "Michael never pays up on time". __________________________.

Self: scalped ...

Went to Leeds where I was scalped. The shortest haircut I have had in years. 82F reads the YP thermometer too. Bloody hideous heat. From Leeds I went to Bradford for 5 o'clock and met Martyn and WH Smith's. We went to see Denise and I told her about Carole. She enquires: "Do you like her again now?" Like her? I positively loathe her at this moment and wouldn't speak to her again but for the fact she has one of my better shirts in her collection. Denise didn't seem overjoyed to see us.

Martyn and I adjourned to 'The Queen' for a few much needed lagers and then got the bus home. My visit to Bradford wasn't all that necessary but I enjoyed it all the same. I'm going to phone Miss Phillips tomorrow and give her a large piece of my mind. At this moment in time I could make Jack the Ripper look like Joyce Grenfell.

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