Friday April 15, 1977

Spring morning. Spring afternoon. Spring evening. I have yet to have a Spring night because it's only 7.30pm, but I suppose I will do.

Duchess of Gloucester

It was announced this morning that the Duchess of Gloucester is having a baby in November too. The PA report in the EP stated that the child, if male, would assume his father's second title, Baron Culloden. Balderdash. The barony of Culloden is a courtesy title to be borne by the eldest son of the Duke of Gloucester's eldest son, the Earl of Ulster. The baby will be either Lord or Lady (Christian name) Windsor. It took me about an hour to convince the subs desk that this was so. Evidently it was a Kensington Palace spokesman who announced the crap information. Two Royal babies in Jubilee year eh? I could say the year is going with a bang, but I won't bother.

Work until 5pm and find myself in a traffic jam on Kirkstall Road for thirty minutes. It was too hot and people were dropping like flies on the omnibus. Home at 6. Dad is doing his bit 'giving blood' in Guiseley. A hideous thought which brings to mind the likes of Count Dracula and that ghoulish lot. Surely, if we're given eight or ten pints of the stuff I think it must mean we need every drop for ourselves - selfish maybe but that sort of thing just isn't for me.

Later: yes, it was a Spring night. Went to the Hare with Sue & Peter expecting to get up to our usual activities but instead met up with Dave L and a group of his friends from deepest Gloucester. The four of us go to Woodhouse Moor fair and have a great time.It is revolting that David is no longer resident in these parts. It was just like old times on the waltzer, cyclone, the toffee apples, candy floss. Back to the Hare & Hounds at 10.30. Dave and friends left at 11 and Martyn and I waited for Tony to arrive. With Chris & Pete M the 3 of us go to Oakwood Hall. Not much doing at all. Completely uninteresting and dead. The place is full of unattractive prostitutes - but no, because most of the girls here are quite willing to do it for free. Home by 1.30. Everyone got on my nerves. The trip to Oakwood ruined the whole evening. Christ. Have I mentioned that Peter M is to be Andy Graham's best man? Dave L quipped that he is on the short list to be one of the ushers.

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Wednesday April 6, 1977

Lynn took her driving test and passed at the first attempt. The only member of the family to do it in one go. Papa, John and Mama are all second timers. Blimey, Good Old Lynn! Just Sue and me left to get out on the open road.

Lynn: virtually hysterical.

It's pay day today for some obscure reason. Usually we get paid on a Thusday. Is the Queen the only person allowed to dish out money on Maundy Thursday?

Home at 5.30 to a joyous tea. Lynn was virtually hysterical at her success. Euphoric - that's a good adjective too.

Tony: sober at the wheel.

Tony rings at 6. To the Hare and Hounds with him and Martyn. Not the usual Hare and Hounds. One in Bradford (Heaton?). Martyn and I got a bit pissed, and then on to dear Oakwood Hall with a sober Tony at the wheel. Picked up a couple of silly girls who proceeded to lock themselves out of their car and then tell us they're married. Twats. I hate women like that. Home at 1.30 because Tony was nearly asleep.














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Friday February 25, 1977

We had a good evening out. Tony and Martyn came up to Pine Tops at 9 o'clock. Mum and I were listening to 'Raphsody on a Theme by Paganini' by Serge Rachmaninov, and Tony shouted 'Oh great, it's Barry White'. This amused Mum.

Il Trovatore

We went to the Ukrainian Club in Bradford. I'm seriously thinking about adopting Ukrainian nationality. If the drinks prices over there compare with those in the clubs here I'm going on the next flight. We all had doubles, including Michelle and Keith,  and the price of the round came to £1. We departed quite drunk at 11 for Oakwood Hall, where only last week we vowed to miss for a couple of weeks. We must be addicted to the revolting place. We decide that nothing is to be lost in going on to Il Trovatore, and so we leave at 11.30 passing Chris, Peter M, and Laura's .boyfriend, Dave Paterson. At Il Trovatore Tony and Martyn make a dive for Naomi and Miss Moorhouse and I stand about like a spare part until 2am. I did approach a familiar looking lady from the Wikis era and received an immediate snub. Piss off the lot of you.

Raphsody on a Theme by Paganini by Rachmaninov

Friday February 18, 1977

If you could see me now you'd say I didn't have all that long left to live. In fact, at this moment, I closely resemble the Rt. Hon. Charles Anthony Raven Crosland, Secretary of State for Foreign & Commonwealth Affairs. Pneumonia may well have set in. However, at great personal loss and danger I struggled into the offices of the Yorkshire Post and did a fair days work.

Home by 5pm. Have a sirloin steak with Lynn. We had a good chat too.  Oh she is so like her big brother. Mum and Dad were at Marlene's for tea and Sue was at the hairdressers until 7pm.

Oakwood Hall.

Martyn came here at 8.15 and Tony at 8.30. Down to the Hare & Hounds to see Judith. CB (who rang me this morning) comes down to the Hare and reminds me about her 21st birthday party on March 11. Andy and Linda, Chris and Pete M are in too. To the Shoulder of Mutton on Hollins Hill. It's a strange pub. We move on to Bingley after one pint. On to good old Oakwood Hall. When I say 'good old' Oakwood Hall I don't actually mean it. In fact it was 'bloody lousy' Oakwood Hall. Martyn was on good form, Tony was fed up. I was miserable - probably because I've over done it a bit lately, I don't know. Home at 2am. Discuss tomorrow. Definately no discotheque. I'm helping Tony move to Ilkley so we may well end up in the flat - an orgy of merriment and piss. (By piss, I mean booze of course. I'm not addicted to urine like Mr Hitler was).

Note: where's Miss Phillips been of late? Her Royal Highness must surely be 'Fogartising' even though rumour has it that they've finished. I have her new phone number but I don't want to use it. When I see her I really enjoy it, but I don't want to do so by appointment.

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Saturday February 12, 1977

Bugger about in bed until about noon. Didn't bugger about literally of course.

Did we arrange to meet the Yeadon ladies at the Clothiers in Yeadon at 7.30? Blimey, we'll all be pissed by half eight. By 'ladies' I mean an assortment of various types of female whom we procured last night at the disco. A particularly nice one, who looks like Angela Rippon, says she remembers me from Benton Park.

Listen to the American top thirty records on Radio One and then had sausages and chips with Lynn, Dave and Susan. Fruit salad and gallons of cream followed. Ugh - felt sick afterwards.

Walked with Lynn and Dave to John & Maria's. Christine Dibb had rushed down to Maria's the other day with the news of my break with Lynne. ______.

Clothiers: horrible, low-class pub

Martyn and Tony arrive at about 8.30 and Tony drives us to the Clothiers. A horrible, low-class tavern. A group of men were discussing the Silver Jubilee and this is a morsel of the conversation.

"How long has t'old King been dead anyway?"

"Oh, about a fortneet".

The two young ladies arrive at about 8.30 and we go straight to the Hare & Hounds with them. Sue & Peter, John & Maria are in. Chris comes in with MM and Marita. I don't really take to these women at all and nearly die when one, Jackie, announces she's coming to Oakwood Hall with us. At 10 Tony takes them to the Liberal Club at Yeadon. We go on to Bingley and then Oakwood Hall, a dead loss tonight. No women of decent bearing at all and  come home after a 'danceless' night. Had a curry from the van outside Oakwood which was ridiculously hot. Have a coffee at home with Tony, Martyn, Sue & Peter and retire by 3-ish.

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Friday February 11, 1977

Yes, it's another day off. Lynn's chatting wakes me at 8.30 and after a coffee with Mum and Susan I'm ready to return to bed. Mum and Dad are going to a hotel in Scarborough tonight - for the weekend. Blimey, here we are in the midst of a great financial upheaval, with the prime minister quaking in his surgical boots, and my parents are off spending cash like no tomorrow. Good luck to them anyway - I don't think they've had a decent break since last summer.

Lynn.

Return to the sanctity of my bedroom world until 11.30 when it fell to me to do the housework. Well, not exactly housework. I went about with the vacuum cleaner and washed the breakfast pots, then switched on the stereo. You may recall that I secured today as a day off for Miss Akroyd's benefit? A model train set and bottle party was planned but further enquiries reveal she cannot have a day off until Saturday. So, I'm lumbered with a lazy, good for nothing day lounging here in the chair at Fort Pine Tops.

Smash hell out of the stereo all afternoon and press Papa's trousers while he's ferrying mother to-and-fro Moon's Mill. No telephone calls, telegrams or naked Swedish film starlets at all - which makes a change.

I'm awaiting the arrival of Sarah & Delia with a new sculpture I've commissioned from her (Sarah). But they don't arrive. Less said about that the better.

Martyn & Chris

Down to the Hare with Tony, Martyn, Sue & Peter. Move on (we three lads that is) to Neville's Wine Bar and then the Craven Heifer (Addingham). Oakwood Hall followed and Oh what a night it was. Some ladies from Yeadon were the highlight of the evening and Mr Mather, Mr Ratcliffe and Mr Hudson were there. Peter was quite moving on the subject of Lynne and the sad fact that 'she'll never see me again'. Drop the ladies off in Albert Square (Yeadon) and then come home with Tony & Martyn. Lynn and Dave are snuggled up in a corner of the settee.







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Saturday February 5, 1977

'I may have the body of a weak and
feeble woman'

Rang Lynne this morning with every intention of 'calling it a day'. By 'It' I of course mean our love life, and by 'love life' I of course mean going down the pub three or four times a week and behaving quite respectably and boring. That famous Rhodes cowardice raised it's famous head, and I was sat on Mama's bed dialling. I just couldn't do it and we ended up discussing the weather and rising sugar prices. Oh, why am I such a feeble man? Indeed 'I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman' applies just as much to me as it did to the Empress Josephine*** or whoever coined the phrase in the first place. I am always in some kind of shitting mess, aren't I, dear, patient readers? If you are reading this please deposit this diary in the nearest dustbin because it just isn't worth it at all.

With the lovely Naomi Downing ...

Out to the Hare with Chris and Tony at 8.30. Tony is in a rotten mood._______.We move on to the Vineyard at Ilkley and then Oakwood Hall and he cheers up. Susan Hollins was at Oakwood celebrating her 21st birthday, but no one else. Not even Naomi and Co. I like Miss Downing a good deal. She makes me feel that I'm not the only piss artist in the country. A good girl all the same, and I like to have Maria on about her.


***Elizabeth the First, you idiot.

Friday January 21, 1977

It's just about a year since John & Maria announced that they were expecting the arrival of a new addition to the family. It seems longer, somehow. Did my brother ever live here with us? Did I ever share a bedroom with him? These things seem deep in the past, and I cannot imagine him without Maria or baby JPH.

Ruth Upton, later Rhodes.

Home at 5. Uncle H is at the tea table. Discuss his mother and the Upton family. (Refer to the family papers, no room to discuss them here). He is slightly pissed, and at 6.30 he goes with Mum & Dad down to see John & Maria and the poor baby. Measles at 4 months old seems a little odd to me.

Down at the Hare: Lynne, John, Maria, Harry, Dad, Sue, Peter N, Lynn, Denise, Michelle, Tony, Chris, Pete M, &c. Pay Denise our £10 deposits (£70 in all) and all is nicely arranged now. I'm miserable when, at 11 o'clock, all the mob, including Carole and Naomi too, move on to Oakwood Hall, whilst Lynne and I had to drive to Thornton-le-Dale and miss all the fun and excitement. Had a serious talk on the journey. Lynne talks about moving back over here. I remind her of Stephanie Ferguson's flat in Burley-in-Wharfedale. I enjoy getting things off my chest like that. Like what? At Ty-Onnen we swill Martini with Karl and a pal of his. Bed at 4.30 and sit reading one of Peter's Enid Blyton books. Ugh!

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Friday December 10, 1976

Alison [Dixon] and John [Pinder] came up from the depths of Winchester last night to stay for a couple of days. Don't see Lynne today and she goes home taking Jean with her. Peter M rings to say he's on his tod [sloan] this evening because Chris has gone off with a mucky woman to Askham Bryan. I must be the last resort. He comes at 8.15 and we go to the Hare with Sue, Pete N, Lynn and Dave [the latter pair move on to a function at the Dragonara in Leeds]. Martyn and his popsy [Carla] are in, and Mum & Dad. Peter M and I return at 10.45 to watch a programme on the Abdication Crisis narrated by James Cameron. Very good indeed and it would have been much better if Peter hadn't insisted on fidgeting and complaining throughout about the time and how late we'd be at Oakwood Hall. Mum, Dad, Sue, Pete, John and Alison come back at 11.15 and when the programme finishes Peter drives us to Oakwood Hall. I feel bloody miserable all night. At 2am Peter M throws me the keys to the van and we go sit outside while he walks his new found 'lady friend' back to Bingley College. TWO HOURS LATER HE RETURNS buttoning his shirt and combing his hair with a vague story about listening to Perry Como records. I realise that fans of this ageing American baritone are probably grossly perverted, but never did I imagine that the ritual of listening to his dulcet tones involved stripping off ones clothes and sitting in the nude. Home by 4.30am and Mum makes us all dance and sing until dawn. Dad was flaked out in bed - pissed I fear.

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Friday October 8, 1976

To Oakwood Hall with Tony, Stuart and Simon. The first hour is somewhat boring and I feel a bit 'left out' if you know what I mean, the three others being employees of W.H.Smith & Sons Ltd. However, Naomi [Downing] makes a grand entrance with Lynne [the Comtesse de Oval] and a few other whores. Naomi is a nice girl. In fact we danced all night. Stuart seemed to be enjoying himself with the comtesse, and 18 year-old Simon was seduced by a 24 year-old unmarried mum with a four year-old daughter, Vanessa. Tony was the only one who kept saying he felt miserable. Drink quite a lot of lager and some unspecified quantity of gin. Not too pissed though. Mucky Stuart and Mucky Simon leave with Lynne de Oval and the unmarried mum, and so Tony and I are left to fend for ourselves. Discarding Naomi at 2am the two of us return to Pine Tops for coffee. He says he's not sure he's doing the right thing giving Smith's retail the push. "Twelve years is a lot to throw away" he kept saying. ________________.

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Friday October 1, 1976

Before I start I must say two things: WHITE RABBITS. John Philip Hugh Rhodes is one day old.

Celebrate my nephew's anniversary at the Hare & Hounds with CB and Martyn. Quiet really. Tony calls in with Stuart and the lad from W.H.Smith's Travel and T shows great surprise when I say Lynne is in Spain. They go off to Oakwood Hall and minutes later we are visited by Mr C. Ratcliffe, Mr J.P. Rhodes, Mr L. Rhodes and Mrs N. Rhodes. Haven't seen Christopher for ages. __________.

John, Mum and Dad had been to Hyde Terrace to look once again at Maria and John Junior. I still can't believe it myself.

Home with Mum, Dad and John at 11.15 and watch a silly Beryl Reid/Flora Robson 'horror film' on the BBC.

Bed at 1.30 after having had a 'friendly' argument with John about hospital deliveries. I see nothing wrong with women giving birth at home. Risks are in all things.

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Thursday September 23, 1976

A great drunken piss-up with Tony, Stuart and Andrew [Stuart's brother]. Neville's in Ilkley is a revolting, obnoxious hole. Snobbish is too mild a word to use in labelling it. Enjoy ourselves all the same. Up to Oakwood Hall where I consume vast quantities of alcoholic refreshment and become enamoured by a Bingley College of Education tart by the name of 'Skittles' or 'Peggy'. I'm getting just like King Edward VII. Lynne is my beautiful Alexandra though.

Back to Stuart and Andrew's at 2am where we discuss plans for the Queen's Silver Jubilee party. Andrew goes on and on about masturbation. "Am I back at school?" I ask myself. Oh dear. Tony & Stuart are having a party on October 16 to commemorate Tony's defection to W.H.Smith's retail section. Eat cornflakes and Rice Krispies before leaving for home - singing hymns all the way like religious fanatics. It's better than church anyway. What's the name of the Archbishop of Canterbury these days? The current one has a nice wife called Jean.

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Saturday September 18, 1976

Spend all day with Dad in my bedroom hanging [wall]paper. Peter N joins us after lunch and we manage to get most of it done by the evening. Poor Dad is in one hell of a state. The threatened closure of Guiseley Police Station is driving him to the brink of insanity. On Wednesday he is to have a personal inteview with the Fuhrer [Ronald Gregory, Chief Constable of West Yorkshire] and the outcome of the meeting could decide Dad's future in the police force.

Out with Susan & Peter to the Hare & Hounds. Christine Dibb comes in with her ear-ringed boyfriend but leave after an hour or so. Carole is entertaining the boy [Peter] Fogarty at the opposite end of the bar and no convsersation takes place at all. They go too. CB arrives and we have a few laughs. Sue & Pete go off to the Menston Arms and come back and collect me at 11 after leaving me alone with CB for an hour. We chatted about times gone by, as we always do, and when Peter came in she went off to the tap room to get a lift to Oakwood Hall with one of the bar staff. A right girl is our CB!

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Wednesday September 8, 1976

Go to Oakwood Hall with Tony. Only a handful of people in the place. Get pissed up and dance with every woman in the building. A Gayle Hunnicutt type caught my eye. Aren't I a naughty lad? Home at 2.30am in a state of intoxication. Nothing more to report other than say Maria's confinement is due tomorrow. In 24 hours time I may well be 'Uncle Michael'.

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Thursday September 2, 1976

To Oakwood Hall at 8.30pm with Lynne. Stay until nearly midnight. Had a few drinks. Had the occasional dance. Had a great time. Need I say more?

Oh yes. Posted a Silver Wedding card to Mr & Mrs Mather for tomorrow and dropped a line to CB in Blackburn, but after I'd done this she rang me for a chat. I tell her that Tony is thinking of ringing her to see if she's doing anything on Saturday night. She is startled because she hardly knows him, but says she's coming home anyway. I can't get over what she said to me the other weekend. _________.

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Thursday July 22, 1976

Lynne M and I go into Burley-in-Wharfedale to the Red Lion for a drink and then motor down to Ilkley to the Stoney Lea for further alcoholic refreshment. Lynne and I get on famously. Very similar sense of humour.

We go to Oakwood Hall where drink gins and tonics and a quick prance about on the dance floor make it all the more of an enjoyable night. I wore my 'El Capone' T-shirt which was eyed with a certain amount of curiosity by the other patrons.

The ruddy Olympic Games are getting me down. If watching them hour after hour at home on the TV isn't enough it is just the bloody limit to go into a discotheque and find crowds of people in the bars and on the dance floors watching an under-nourished Olga Korbut leaping around a stadium as if her arse is on fire. TVs in discos must be a bad idea. Anti-social and bloody diverting they are.

Home at 1.30am.

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Saturday June 19, 1976

Mum & Dad's 22nd wedding anniversary. The occasion was somewhat marred by the fact that poor Dad was late home because of the National Front demo in Bradford this afternoon. He gets in at 8 o'clock and they both go out for a quiet drink. Lynn, Sue and I bought them a silver plated tea pot, milk jug and sugar bowl, &c.

Tony and Carol J come in at 9 o'clock and he tells Mum it was I who was violently sick on Thursday night. We all laugh at th cover-up and then we go up to the Cow & Calf pub for a drink, with Lynne. A nice evening, and we sat in the floodlit gardens at Oakwood Hall and devoured pizza. They (the pizzas) are much nicer than the Damn Yankee creations & even better than the supposed brilliant objects served at the Flying Pizza. Peter and Anne arrive at Oakwood at midnight or so but we don't see much of them. Lynne and I dance quite a bit ___________________.

Home at 1.30 or thereabouts to find some sort of wedding anniversary party going on. This orgy of hysterics falls though at 2am and Lynne and I have the lounge to ourselves until the unearthly hour of 4am. Please understand one thing. Lynne and I are not serious. After the traumatic events of the last couple of months I am in no mood for a lengthy, strenuous affair.

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Thursday June 17, 1976

Horrible drunken night at Oakwood Hall with Tony. Went to Ilkley to see Stuart first and he comes with us to the Rose & Crown for a quick three pints. He just got out of hospital this morning. He has an absess on one of his tits. In fact, when stood sideways, he looks very much like Raquel Welch. He (Stuart) departed for home at 9.30 and Tony and I continued to Oakwood Hall where I succumbed to the evils of cider. Home at 1am. I was blind drunk and on inviting Tony in for a coffee I was violently sick. Mum was awakened and when she questioned me about it after Tony had gone I said it was HE who'd been sick.

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Saturday June 12, 1976

A day upon which I should truly be ashamed of myself. It's the official birthday of Her Majesty the Queen and subsequently Trooping the Colour in London and I am not there to lend my support. In 1972, 73, 74 and 75 I have always made a point of attending, and indeed it became something of a ritual, but what with the up and coming holiday, lack of funds and lack of a suitable escort, I decided to give it a miss this year. I climbed out of bed at 10.15 to view the spectacle on television. The weather in London looks perfect and I sit long-faced staring at the TV regretting my decision to stay at home. Please do not take this break in tradition as a decline in my loyalty to the Throne. My feelings on this subject have changed in no way and I need elaborate no more on them, because you, dear reader, are very well aware of my royalist leanings.

Lynn and I go into Otley this afternoon and give the shops a good going over. At 5.30 I attempt to take her for a drink at the Black Bull but to our horror discover the pub isn't open! Home on the bus cursing the English licensing laws.

Peter M and I go out for a drink this evening. Start in the tap room of the Menston Arms, then the Malt Shovel and get to the Hare & Hounds for 10 o'clock. John and Maria are there having a drink and we have a good chat. Chris comes shortly afterwards and the three of us go to Oakwood Hall where Carole and Denise can be seen. At one stage it became so hot inside that we piled out at the back and onto the lawns. Carole had minor hysterics at one point but I ignored them. I do not like being cooped up with her is discos & don't intend being so gullable in future.

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Thursday May 27, 1976

To Oakwood Hall with Tony and his friend Stuart (Walker), who is manager of the Ilkley branch of W.H. Smith. Have a good night._________________________. Stuart is a nice lad.

Back to our place at 1.30am for coffee and 'Monty Python Live at Drury Lane'. We're out on Friday night too. It will make a change from the usual meeting of 'Wrist Slashers Anonymous' at the Hare.

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