Tuesday September 18, 1979

_. Hectic day at the YP. Sarah is ill now. ______. Home at 4:30 on the bus with the new EP reporter, Hopkiss or Hopkins. He's only 19 and makes me feel quite elderly. He says he is allergic to alcohol, which makes me laugh behind my newspaper. A reporter with an allergy to alcohol is like a prostitute who is allergic to sex.

Dad announces that he is now on the 'Ripper Case' for three days a week. The fiend doesn't stand a chance now. It will all be over by Christmas. I cannot imagine that the mass murderer is a Guiseley chap. Mum was horror-struck when I suggested that it might be advantageous for Dad if the murderer kept his head down for three years until Dad retires. Wouldn't it be a doddle? Nobody found this remotely amusing.

JPH came for dinner, and is slightly better than yesterday. As he left, the child said: "See you, Shortie."  Such a witty child.

-=-

Tuesday January 2, 1979

Bank Holiday in Scotland

Dame Gracie Fields.

Mum and Dad's birthday. Snow, bright and clear. Back to the YP for the first time since before Christmas. The New Year Honours list is piled up on my desk. I suspect that they've only given the DBE to Gracie Fields in the hope that the shock might kill her. What a cruel, evil sense of humour I have. Hugh Scanlon is to be made a peer. They might as well make Karl Marx a posthumous Marquess. I don't know why I'm mocking and ridiculing the honours system because really I am all for it.

Tonight. No buses arrive and I don't get home until 6. John, Maria, JPH, Lynn & Dave came to dinner. Sue and Pete of course, too. JPH says his middle name is "Fillet". His swearing has subsided, but he does tend to slap and bash people. Mum succumbed to several heavy blows.

A happy family dinner. Just the tonic for ailing Mum. I gave them both (birthday) cards but no presents. Everybody else seems to have been able to scrape cash together for gifts, but as usual I miscalculated. They don't mind. I told them I'm buying them something on Thursday.

John and Maria left at 10. Late for taking JPH to bed. He managed to burst every balloon in the house and strip the Christmas tree of its pine needles.

Splashed around in the bath. Took to my bed at 1:26am.

-=-

Monday December 25, 1978

Christmas Day Bank Holiday {Scotland}

Still full of cold. Merry Christmas. JPH nipped my nose and it bled. Eeek. Sad news. John's old work~mate, Terry Mellors, was killed in a road accident on Friday, and John was close to bursting into tears when Dad told him at lunchtime. He just sad clutching one of his Christmas presents, looking very pale.

We ate at 4:30 and then collapsed. John and Maria {who had left for Molly & Jim's at about 4:30} came back at 10pm dressed as Scottish punks ~ John in a MacGregor tartan kilt. They danced to Kenneth McKellar records over a pair of crossed walking sticks in the centre of the sitting room. We all remarked afterwards that John would never have done such a thing just a few years ago. He's never been noted for outrageous behaviour.

Maria was bedecked like a Christmas tree with gaily painted balls hanging from her ears.

The house reeks of eucalyptus (sic)

-=-

Monday December 18, 1978

Frosty. Uneventful at the YP. Played cards all afternoon and swilled coffee with Sarah, Eileen and Carol J.

John & Maria: second baby in July

Sarah told me that ________- slept with Eamon Patrick Burke on Friday and then went to a party with him on Saturday. I am barely surprised.

Christine phoned. She's not working on Saturday and so we can both take the Regent by Storm (Chapel Allerton).

I have some really serious joyous tidings. John rang from Stranraer and said he'd be down here on Saturday afternoon. JPH sang 'Jack & Jill' for Mum, all in his fine Scottish accent, and told her that Santa is bringing him a police car and a ball. And then John dropped a bombshell. MARIA IS EXPECTING A BABY IN JULY! Isn't this wonderful news? The Rhodes line is to be properly secured in the year of Mum & Dad's Silver wedding anniversary. I'm overjoyed. _______________.

Sue was out at the Hare until 10:30 with Wendy Wool employees. When she came home I informed her she is to be an aunt again.

By the way I go on and on about babies I bet you are wondering why I don't have any of my own. One day, dear reader, one day.

Bed at 1:04am. Poor Lynn won't get the news until tomorrow.

-=-

Sunday November 26, 1978

27th after Trinity 5th Sunday before Christmas

No hangover. Something of a miracle. David, deathly white, climbed out of bed and went outside to vomit over half of Scotland. Fried breakfast. Maria very cheerful. No mention today of our 'Carole conversation' last night which was a relief really because I didn't want my inner-most private thoughts bandied about over breakfast among the junior, impressionable members of the family.

Though very cold it was a bright and sunny morning and we decided to to go into Stranraer to look at the boats. Purely for JPH's benefit really. JPH is amazing this morning ~ tanking around outside with the 30p I gave him jingling away in his pocket. Funny isn't it how small boys like to stuff their pockets with oddments?

We saw the aircraft carrier HMS Eagle in dock. Not as big as I thought it would be. I don't have any sense of proportion.

Maria and I clowned around and I acted the fool. She called me 'Donal' and I called her 'Sally'. We behaved like morons and our antics went straight over the heads of the others, especially John, who frowned and scowled as I led his wife through Stranaer harbour on a dance of idiocy. I pushed JPH in his pushchair and we were all one big, happy family.

At 2:30 we all kissed goodbye until Christmas and we drove off leaving the three of them framed in the harbour. No stopping on the journey home and we got in at 7:30 quite buggered. Mum made us a big dinner. She thought something was wrong because we were all so quiet, even Lynn, but it was because we were all so tired. Bed after 11.

-=-

Sunday October 15, 1978

21st after Trinity

Woke up at about 11 ~ on the floor at Lawn Road. Had breakfast and watched the deluge outside from the window. Pissed it down. Dave slung a few records on his stereo and that that set the tone for the day. We almost froze to death too, until they lit the fire at about noon. I don't think they can afford the coal.

At 12:30 we ventured over in the rain to the Red Lion. The landlord their is probably the most miserable pub proprietor in Britain. Rude just isn't the word.

Lynn excelled herself at lunch. Pizzas, roast potatoes, peas, &c. She was beaming all day. She loves seeing us all. She told us she's been really homesick and close to tears at night time. Bless her.

In the afternoon I slept in an armchair. John, Maria and JPH came at 5:30. My nephew walked around the house with his arms clasped behind his back. He loved the journey home in the dark pointing at the 'man in the Moon'. I can already detect a Scottish accent. I must be imagining things.

At home watched 'Lillie Langtry'. It's too slow. Bed at midnight.

-=-

Monday October 2, 1978

New Moon 07:41

Jewish New Year 5739 {Rosh Hashanah}

Mum says we must visit John and Maria before Christmas. She says Port Patrick is a lovely place. They say JPH swears like a trooper and attacks any innocent people passing through Lochans whenever he gets the chance. Words like 'bastard', 'shit' and 'bugger' feature strongly in his vocabulary. My Uncle Albert would have been proud indeed.

Jacq phoned this afternoon. _____________.

Peter N phoned this evening. His friend Frank Hall was injured in a car accident on the Chevin Road in Guiseley this evening. He's unconscious in hospital. He was here on Friday eating curry and trying to avoid Sue's apple crumble. Frightening really.

Princess Margaret is now in Australia recovering after an attack of fever which prevented her carrying out official duties in Tuvalu, a pin~prick of an island that was once the Ellice Islands. She was taken seriously ill aboard a New Zealand ship.

-=-

Friday September 29, 1978

Out of bed at 6:58am and plunged into a hot bath. Whilst tucking into my hot porridge oats I plugged into the radio news at 7:30 and was astounded to hear that Pope John Paul had died in the night from a heart attack after a reign of only 33 days. It's the shortest pontificate since Pope Stephen in 700 AD, or so. I find this hard to take in. Quite ridiculous that all the cardinals are going to have to crawl back to Rome for another conclave.

I spent most of the day playing with the late Pope's pictures. Chris Bye came into the office cheerfully waving a fiver & laughingly told us that on Aug 26 he'd been into Ladbroke's and placed a bet that the new pope would only live for 33 days. Yeah, right. It would finish it off very nicely now if our own Cardinal Hume was elected pontiff. A good English lad at the Vatican to show these Italians a thing or two.

Mum and Dad went off to Scotland this afternoon to see John and Maria in Stranraer. They took JPH's birthday presents with them and are staying for the festivities and returning on Sunday evening.

Tonight I battled through driving rain to see Jacq in Leeds. We met at 8:30 and went to the Central, where she became quite legless on cider. I intended going on a pub crawl but we enjoyed the loud, pulsating music of the disco in the pub, and we stayed until 10:30. She frowned when I suggested moving on to Len's Bar. She knows Sarah hangs out there on Fridays.

I got the last bus out of town at about 11. Sue and Pete were watching TV. He stayed the night. Young love.

-=-

Saturday September 2, 1978

New Moon 17:09

Sun rises 06:14 sun sets 19:46

Found myself in a sleeping bag at Farthingstone, Old Pool Bank. In a bedroom with Dave and Pete. Trevor is in another chamber deep in slumber. A nice guy is Trevor.

Audrey gave us 'Puffa Puffa Rice' for breakfast (Ugh) and drove us home at 11, or thereabouts. Jacq, Lynn, Sue and the girls look well. They say they spent the night at the Elma drinking 'Jelly Beans' (I believe a conglomeration of vodka, Pernod, blackcurrant, and I think lime juice).

I spent £15 last night and most of us seem to have spent the same. Oh God.

Jacq and Lynn went shopping to Otley just as Mum and Dad returned from shopping with JPH. He's thinner these days, taller and more of a handful. He sat in Mum's coffee sloshing it everywhere and blew up the kettle. He'll be two in a few weeks time.

Tonight Jacq and I went to Leeds to see 'Revenge of the Pink Panther' at Odeon 2. Peter Sellers in undoubtedly the funniest man upon this earth in 1978. Jacq laughed until I thought it was becoming quite dangerous. Tears of laughter cascaded down my face.

-=-

Sunday July 30, 1978

10th after Trinity

After breakfast we all sped off to Lawn Road for a days work. Jacq was on her hands and knees scrubbing at the staircase. It poured with rain all day and only relented when we were ready to come home at about 7.

The four of us (Lynn, Dave, Jacq and me) crammed ourselves into the Spitfire and had a hilarious drive home over the moor. Lynn was clinging on for dear life.

Back at Pine Tops John, Maria and JPH were paying a visit. JPH is no longer a baby - he's a real little boy - with sturdy legs and flowing hair. He seems to have discovered a temper though. At one point when Maria wouldn't let him play with Susan's sunglasses he exclaimed: "Shit, then!" A deadly silence followed broken only by me giggling.

-=-

Saturday July 1, 1978

Sun rises 04:47 Sun sets 21:21 Dominion Day (Canada)

Jacq and I woke up on Grant's settee surrounded by wine glasses and clothing. A guy was asleep in the hallway and another poor sod was stood in the bathroom unable to decide whether or not to vomit. Jacq collected her handbag and shoes from Grant's bedroom and I heard further squeals of laughter. About 18 people were in one bed.

Out we went into the rain at 9:30. Silly sods were queueing across the road to see the Test match. The Pakistanis are, I think, the offending, marauding team.

My hair was something of a shock first thing, but I'm going to have to live with it.

We caught a bus back into Leeds and made our way to Wellington Street where we made our fond farewells. The two of us are to be parted for three weeks. We have seen each other daily since the beginning of April. After a quick kiss in the rain I departed on a West Yorkshire bus in a homeward direction. At 12:30 she leaves for London, and by nightfall she will be terrorising the Italians. She and Joy will make the Red Brigade look like the Muppet Show.

I was home for 11 and after a miserable breakfast and change of clothing I went off to Burley to lend my shaky, alcohol-filled hand to Dave & Lynn. It was purgatory I can tell you. Scraping old paint off doors for five hours is not the best way to pass a Saturday afternoon. Audrey Baker came in at about 2 with fish & chips.

Back home for tea at 5:20. John, Maria and JPH came to see Mum and Dad. They are going to look at a house on Victoria Road (Guiseley). JPH sat on my knee and showed me a picture book. According to him mice are cows and umbrellas are flowers. He's a delight. I would love six or seven offspring just like him ~ God willing.

-=-

Sunday May 7, 1978

New Moon 05:47

Sunday after Ascension

Slept in the dining room after concocting a breakfast of cheese on toast with poached eggs and fish cakes for Jacq and I. It sounds quite revolting but we ate it like starving fiends. Lynn & Dave woke me at 9:30 and after a few coffees I was OK.

Weather ~ strangely dry. The sun put in an appearance. Mum and Dad went with Lynn & Dave to Burley. Jacq, Sue and I sat looking through old photograph albums. We howled with laughter at the one of me picking my nose ~ in Goldthorpe Park with my Uncle Albert.

Dave of Stockport, Billy Wright and Garry Barratt came her just before 12. With Jacq, Sue and Pete we went to the Commercial. It was good to see them. A quiet start but we ended up roaring with laughter. I don't think Jacq took to Bill at all.

At 2 we returned home for an impromptu afternoon party. Shortly afterwards Uncle Peter, Auntie Jean, Julie, Beverley and Penny came up the lane in a massive, American automobile (borrowed). It was unbelievable. Moore booze was consumed. In all the activity we hadn't noticed that Bev was drunk (aged 10). It embarrassed me greatly because I was 'Major Domo' on the bar. The poor kid. Uncle Peter, in typical form, merely laughed it off.

John, Maria and JPH came and stayed until midnight watching 'Ben Hur' on tv. A diabolical film, but it astounded Victorian audiences all over the world when it was first released in 1867.

Baby (JPH) is thin and tall and toddles at high speed, like a road runner. Mum, as usual, is besotted with the young fellow.

-=-

Sunday April 16, 1978

3rd Sunday after Easter

I slept from 12 midnight until 12 noon. A splash about in the bath and coffee restored me to normal health. Jacq came at 1pm and Sue, Pete, Jacq and I decided to go to Bradford (ABC Cinema) to see 'Saturday Night Fever' starring John Travolta.

A hot, sunny day in Bradford and by 2:30 we were queueing six deep around the cinema. Susan didn't help by saying things like: "I thought you said it would be quiet on an afternoon, Michael?" The film, I thought, was excellent. Travolta is a brilliant mover on the dance floor and of course the Bee Gees are the tops. Sue and Pete liked it. Jacq, mustering up all her creative powers, said the film is "crap".



Back at home we were joined by John, Maria and JPH ~ Maria being at the wheel of the MG ~ the blue smoke and flying mud heralded her arrival at Pine Tops. JPH looked slightly silly with an awful haircut, but he ran around happily enquiring after the whereabouts of his grandparents. He played with an old balloon ~ still inflated since Christmas. They left after an hour to return to Molly's where they are 'looking after Jimmy' while his parents are away.

By now we were close to starvation. Quite understandable really because none of us had eaten since yesterday evening. So off we went to Addingham for fish and chips (after a quick drink at the Commercial) and then to the Devonshire Arms (Bolton Abbey) where Peter saw his boss with a woman from his office. I suggested that Peter could make quite a bit of cash out of the embarrassed guy if he played his cards right.

From the Devonshire Arms it was a ritual trail to the Shoulder of Mutton for one final drink. Jacq was taken back to Leeds by Peter and on our arrival home we found Mum and Dad entertaining Edith and Ernest back from their visit to Morecambe.

-=-

Saturday April 8, 1978

Sun rises 06:21 Sun sets 19:45

John fell over me on his way to work at 8am. I was lying prostrate on his sofa covered in most of my brother's bedding, so I could quite understand his unsmiling and glaring expression. The next visitor to my lying-in-State was Master John Philip Hugh Rhodes. He was in a shy and cuddly mood. _____________. My nephew is nothing short of luscious. (Christ, I sound like one of those nauseating paedophiliacs, or whatever the term is for a child-molester.)

I dumped sweet Jacqueline onto a Leeds bus and got myself home for 10am. The house resembles the Banqueting Hall at Whitehall and is decorated throughout with floral tributes.


Pine Tops: for sale at £21,000.

An advert in today's YP announces that Pine Tops is for sale for £21,000. Let me tell you now that this is a bargain. Quite a few people phoned about the ad and one moronic couple called in the afternoon.

Tonight: Met Jacq at 7:45 and went to the Drop. Mrs Hanson (land lady) was very civil and gushing. Joined by Christine, who met Jacq for the first time. David L (in great form), John, Maria, Lynn and Dave B. At ten, after laughing about brown plastic 1 gallon buckets, we went to Scamp's disco in Bradford. The place is appalling and packed with city whores. Most of the males seem to be on leave from Catterick. I went to the loo. It resembled the loss of the Titanic and the sinking of HMS Hood rolled into one. Swamped we were. However, we stuck it out until 2 and then took Christine to Horsforth and Jacq to Leeds. A memorable evening, but none of those poor souls present (in our party) will ever darken the doorstep of Scamp's again.

-=-

Wednesday April 5, 1978

Lynn gave me 'Worth' aftershave (for my birthday) and Sue and Pete a £5 note. From John and Maria I had a 1300 page paper back 'Adolf Hitler' by John Toland. Little JPH could only just carry it through the door - bless him.



Yes, I'm 23 today. Cards from Sarah, Eileen and dear Jacq, who presented me with one plus the Doobie Brothers LP at the Central this lunchtime.

We met at 1pm and knocked back Pernod and a few lagers. Peter Lazenby was eyeing Jacq up and down and back at the office he told me I was doomed to marriage. Surely, I'm much too young to enter into that Holy estate? Too bloody young by about 40 years? However, I suppose it will happen one day whether I like it or not.

This evening I played the Doobie Brothers LP very loudly and generally annoyed everyone at home.John, Maria and JPH came followed by Edith and Ernest shortly afterwards. Much alcohol was supped and JPH did his party pieces. A heated debate on Princess Margaret's £50,000 per annum took place and I was out-voted by the misguided majority.



Mum said HRH is nothing short of being a 'prostitute' and Ern hilariously said that had Princess Margaret been in the army she'd have been shot for deserting her post. If this is so then the army is slipping because the princess is a colonel-in-chief several times over. Poor Margaret.

-=-

Sunday March 26, 1978

Easter Day

Dave and Lynn at Lawn Road.

Spent the day with Sue, Pete, Lynn and Dave at Lawn Road tearing ancient wallpaper from ancient walls. Lynn was in her seventh heaven. After all, it's now all her very own filthy old wallpaper. Back home for 3 or 4 to be joined by John, Maria and their wonderful offspring. I saw JPH walk for the first time. His face showed so much pride as he paced over the lounge. Marvellous. I'd like ten just like him. A good lunch. Afterwards I heaped myself in front of the TV. 'Love Story' with Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neal (again). A real weepy. I didn't get a Easter Egg to-day.

-=-

Monday March 6, 1978

Lynn's 20th birthday. She came, like a radiant angel, to grimy Leeds, bring a refreshing air to my Monday lunchtime. With Dave, John P, and Alison, we took refreshment at Parker's wine bar and they later called in at the YP to stir up mass hysteria amongst the staff.

Alison and John haven't heard of the latest 'Ripper' who roams the streets of Leeds, but then I don't suppose it matters to people in far off Hampshire, or which ever county it is they hail from. Very little work was done and Sarah and I entertained them until 4.

This evening John, Maria and JPH came up to see us. I fact it was a birthday celebration for Lynn and Mum cooked for 10 people. Roast turkey followed by strawberries and cream washed away with gallons of wine took us to 'playing out' time at the dreaded Fox.

After dinner Tony and Martyn paid us a visit with a birthday card for Lynn. __________. At 9 we all went to the Fox. Joined by Miss Dibb and Graham Airey. Just like old times. Back home at 11 and JPH entertained us until after 12.

-=-

Saturday February 25, 1978

Sun rises 6:55 Sun sets 17:33

A very historic Saturday. I was out of bed at a late hour and after a slight breakfast of ham and eggs (Ahem!) I thrust myself down to 69, Silverdale Drive. A thinning Maria and unbelievably robust nephew made me frightfully welcome, so much so that I almost felt that Yuletide was once again upon us. At 3, or maybe 3:30 Carole and Fogarty came with a skateboard. (Yes, the poor boy is obviously retarded). I find the lad annoying and acutely immature and when they left at 4 I offered up a sigh of relief. Carole was nice though, and told me she is going back into the LGI on Monday for eight days. I sympathised but didn't say much. Fogarty's revolting personality deadened the occasion. In fact, I just sat and mused.

When they had gone Maria, JPH and I (with me in control of the perambulator) wheeled into Guiseley and bought pounds of smelly wet fish which baby looked after in his vehicle. It began to rain on a Noah's Ark scale and by good fortune we collided with Daddy, who put us in his car and brought us to Pine Tops.

The boy (JPH) is a comedian. He's still calling me Mick. He finds Michael impossible. They left at 7:00 and I played around (this is the historic bit) with a pair of jeans converting them into shorts for the holiday in July! a) No, I'm not having a brainstorm, b) yes, I did stay in on a Saturday night, and c) Goodnight.

-=-

Thursday February 2, 1978

The Presentation of Christ.

Maria & JPH.

Prepare to visit Muswell Hill. Got everything packed and then went for my appointment at 69, Silverdale Drive, with my brother and dear sister-in-law. Went at 8:00 and stayed until 10:30 or so. JPH is almost walking. He calls me 'Mick' which sounds hilarious. A real darling, he is, and by far the most attractive child I have ever laid eyes upon. One day I expect him to make a thunderous impact on the film world or maybe figure on the political scene. Maria is so like Molly. A good evening. I managed to collect some of the gear John pinched from me at the New Year. He brought me home, and I finished packing my meagre, pathetic belongings.


-=-

Wednesday December 21, 1977

CB: voluptuous as usual.

_.The week is dragging by nastily, as it always does leading up to Yuletide. What more can I say really? Not a lot. To tea at John and Maria's and was joined by CB.  Carole and Fogarty came later and we drank coffee and gossipped. It was my first visit to No 69 since June.  CB is voluptuous, as usual, and is in love again. She insists I'll see her over the Christmas period but I know Christmas and I know CB even better and when she has a man the rest of us don't stand a chance. But we do laugh all the same. ______. JPH is incredible. He's a pearl.

-=-