Moorhouse Inn, Leeds LS11 5NQ
I am very worried about my appearance. The FLAB, it hangs over my trousers in a disgusting paunch. It is the sort of thing I laughed at in others in my more slim-line years but now I am a leading candidate in the Cyril Smith stakes. My face is round too, hideously so that my chin has now merged into my neck. Oh God. See in the Daily Telegraph that speculation is rife re the forthcoming honour for Bob Geldof. They suggest the OBE. Jimmy Savile received this award for raising £10m for Stoke Mandeville hospital ten years or so ago. We'll see.
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