Monday October 6, 1980

_. Woke up at 8:30. My alarm clock had been over-wound and subsequently had not sounded off. Phoned Ally but got no reply, and ran out into the cold and drizzle snarling and gnashing my teeth. What a hideous start to the week.

Got to the office at 9:30 and phoned Ally. She too had been late in to work, but only by 15 minutes. Phoned home. No reply. It must be Papa's day off, and I suspect they have both escaped to some exotic place.

Home at 6. Still no sign of my parents and so I made eggs and chips, with something called 'Luncheon meat'. Greasy, but substantial.

Watched 'Coronation Street' but was interrupted by Dave L on the phone with a further bulletin on the stray sheep saga. He had decided to take the animal with him to school this morning, to brighten one of his biology classes, but the bloody thing gave him the slip through a hole in his garden hedgerow. No doubt the animal is now nothing more than cutlets in the refrigerator of some eagle-eyed Yeadon butcher. Dave suggested we might go out for a drink on Friday.

Callaghan: tomatoes?

Ally has found me a pair of size nine women's shoes, white with silver stars, and Andrew, the chef at the Belfry, has provided a wonderful wig. I am becoming so excited about Brown's party.

Have I, in the past few weeks, mentioned the Iran-Iraq War? Good. In that case I need say no more.

In other news, Mr Callaghan is going to announce details of his future plans on October 15. I suspect he will accept a peerage, remove himself to the Channel Islands, and grow tomatoes.  The Conservative party conference opened today in the serenity of Brighton. I do like Mrs Thatcher, even now. I say that because already so-called loyal Tories are disputing her policies. I am firmly behind her. In the latest poll from the States Ronald Reagan is ahead of Jimmy Carter. Oh God. Jimmy Carter may be weak, but Ronald Reagan is a lunatic. Hattie Jacques has died aged 56. This is sad. I always found her facial expressions quite hilarious.

Mum and Dad came home at 9:30pm. They'd completed an all round trip of Yorkshire, as I suspected.  Mum looks pale and fatter. To bed at 12.

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Sunday October 5, 1980

_. 18th Sunday after Trinity

Rain and colder. Home to Guiseley at 12:30. I watched as Mum and Dad brewed beer in the kitchen.

Watched an early Peter Sellers epic - 'Two Way Stretch'. Ally was back with me at 3.

We drove to Haworth in pounding rain to buy Lynn and Dave a picture for Christmas. Yes, bloody Christmas shopping. The place was crowded, and I was cold and hungry.

Back to Guiseley and the delights of Harry Ramsden's. We ate by the fire alone as Mum and Dad had gone to Sue & Pete's for Sunday dinner. Ally left at 6:15.

Sheep: evading capture.

Dave L phoned to say he found a stray sheep whilst out walking the dog. He chased the poor animal through the streets of Yeadon as it tried to evade capture. I told him to contact Horsforth police. I wrote to Dave yesterday, but it won't be with him until tomorrow.

Watched 'American Graffiti' a newish US film depicting adolescent life in the '50s.

To bed at 12:30 quite washed out.

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Saturday October 4, 1980

_. Up at 9:30. To Ally's for the day. I put my hand to a spot of window cleaning, after she chastised me for not doing any work. I could hardly see her, shrouded in steam from the washing.

To an Oxfam shop at 1pm for a Dame Edna outfit for Michael Brown's party. I bought a handbag, a hat, and a pair of Dame Edna type spectacles. The old lady shop assistant cast some funny looks as I rummaged through the second hand frocks. Back at Club Street we had an hilarious half hour as I modelled my Edna outfit. Not a dry eye in the place.

Out at 8pm to the club at Farsley Celtic for Karen's 21st birthday party [she was in a black 'jump suit']. Lynn made public her baby news. At the bar I found myself in the company of _____________, a notorious tart, who was fined £350 in 1976 for keeping a brothel in Pudsey. I also spoke to Jill about my forthcoming drag appearance and she promised to provide me with some burgundy stiletto heels. Thrilled. Tim was very silly, and Diane's boyfriend, Paul, now has studs in both ears. He wore an ACDC badge on his jacket. Marlene was there. Auntie Mabel, bright and chirpy. We all played silly games. The DJ organised a lewd dance to 'Nellie the Elephant' where a circle of men and women standing alternately had to link hands between the legs of their neighbour and perform in a hideous waddle of groping and grovelling with foreign loins. My new friend, the whore, seemed to enjoy this one.

On to St James's Crescent and after more food and wine Ally and I left for Bradford. She looked gorgeous tonight in her 'boob tube' and striped skirt, wearing her hair up. I do love her, you know.

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Friday October 3, 1980

_. A night on the tiles in the usual Friday tradition. Phoned Dave L at 6:30 but he had already planned to go to Sandra's at Otley. No word from Pete Mather, as I expected, because tomorrow is Martyn C's wedding, and I suspect a select pre-nuptial gathering is taking place somewhere. Pete phoned when I was out on Tuesday night inviting me to Martyn's stag party on Wednesday, but it would have meant borrowing money, and so I declined the invitation.

At 8 I walked down to Sue & Pete's and the three of us crossed the road to the White Cross. On to the Shoulder where we met Chris and Audrey Rycroft. I couldn't work up any excitement. Married couples talk only of rate bills, and the price of frozen pizzas. I was saved by the arrival of Gus & Johnny. [Johnny is home from London where his claim to fame was making love to a 'Bunny Girl']. A riotous evening developed. On to the New Inn where we met Dave W and Ken. Home at 11:30, drunk. I blame the whisky. Sat watching the ghastly Desmond Morris on TV.

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Thursday October 2, 1980

_. At the YP today it soon became very obvious that my catastrophic and sudden bout of illness is not as convincing as I thought it might be.

Lynn & Dave.

Out at 8 with Ally, Lynn and Dave to Dave & Elaine Allinson's at Rawdon. We were dreading it really because they are always banging on about abortion, homosexuality, dogs, piles, mortgages, oral sex, rape, and more mortgages, not forgetting the all important topic of breast feeding.

Lynn and Dave were subdued because Mandy Baker has suffered a miscarriage. She was expecting a baby two weeks before Lynn is due. Naturally, old fears are exhumed.

Back to Pine Tops at 12:30 [just Ally and I]. Hilda and Tony are with Mum, Dad, Jim, Margaret and Julie. It was disclosed that Pamela N is now 'living in sin' with her elderly boyfriend __Gwilliams. I sat gasping for breath amidst the smoke fumes from Hilda and Tony. Eventually driven upstairs. Joined by Ally.

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Wednesday October 1, 1980

Ally & Charles le Citroen.

_. At 8am I put a call in to Shazzo, and Ally the same to Catherine Brook to confirm our attacks of diarrhoea and Legionaire's Disease. Then we made egg sandwiches and went to Harewood House to gasp in wonderment at the emu and ormolu. I irked Ally somewhat going on and on about my dinner with 'Bambi' Countess of Harewood in '77. Maria Callas had just died and George, Lord Harewood, for that reason, was indisposed. He was in his study compiling an obituary for the great singer. From Sunny Harewood we drove to Knaresborough, where I slept, and then on to Les Haute Pins for chicken din dins.

Lady Diana Spencer is not related to the late Michael Miles, and neither is Olav V, King of Norway. [Olav is not related to Michael Miles, but most definitely related to Lady Diana].

Felt sleepy disgustingly early. Ally left at 10-ish, and I went to bed at 10:30 to avoid the ice skating on TV.

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Tuesday September 30, 1980

_. Felt sufficiently secure to travel to Leeds with Jim & Jennie. She has now taken to locking my car door, as if she worries that I might wish to take my own life, throwing myself from the car as we speed through Headingley.

Dismal day. Shazzo plagues me, but I find her great fun all the same. All the others are so dull these days.

Sarah: afraid of Wedgwood Benn.

Sarah says she is afraid of Wedgwood Benn. I tried to reassure her telling her that he could never come to power having such ridiculous policies, but she insists it's only a matter of time. He plans to abolish the House of Lords, withdraw from the EEC, and nationalize everything in sight. Someone really should put a stop to him.

JPH's fourth birthday. Mum phoned John but JPH was out with Alec Clanachan [their only neighbour]. He promised to have the child phone her back. He did so, at 7:30, and I had a few words. He then sang 'Happy Birthday to You' for his Grandma, and she responded by calling him 'my little kipper face.'

I phoned Ally at 4:30. She was bored and suggested we venture out for alcoholic refreshment. I agreed wholeheartedly. To the Drop, the Crown at Yeadon, and then New Inn, followed by 'Time and Place' in Bradford. The latter quite excellent. Most things are quite excellent. Home in the early hours of Wednesday having taken the decision that neither of us have any intention of making an appearance at our places of work.

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